Titanium

Part 6- Lena

Disclaimer: I do not own anything, except the characters worlds. Lauren Oliver owns it all.

Lena

I can hear the tears in her voice, even if she isn't actually crying. I loved her too, and wasn't that the whole point of coming here? So that I could live free with love? Instead it has been the opposite. Love has made me cold. I understand what they mean when they  say it is a disease. It is painful but without cuts and scrapes, it is painful inside. But every once in a while you get a flash of real love and the joy it brings, that is what I came here for. But instead of that joyous love I have to fight; to kill. Is it worth it? Is it worth hurting and being hurt for those moments of pure happiness?

 I don't know. 

I don't know, but this is the choice I made and now I must make another one. Will I be the loving girl, who remembers her best friend for what she was? Or will I be the cold, tough one who remembers her for what she did? And if Hana really feels that way, can she be saved, awoken from the sleep that is the cure? 

I open my mouth to speak, but Alex speaks first. His voice suddenly cold. I rip my gaze from Hana and look over at him, his eyes are like ice. Impenetrable. 

"What did you do to me and Lena?" his voice isn't loud, he knows what happened; I can just tell he knows. But in his voice I can hear the strain that means he is begging Hana to say something else. Say something different than the facts. 

I can't bear to have Hana tell him that, Alex trusts her; maybe he still can, maybe I can too. The softness in me wins. "Hana, you don't have to-" I start but she cuts me off. 

"No. He deserves to know," her voice cracks but she continues, head held high, summoning every ounce of strength she has. "I turned you in. I was jealous and afraid for Lena, I thought you were going to hurt her as I had been hurt. I know that I was selfish and that it wasn't right, but I did it and I deserve the consequences." 

"You?" Alex starts, his voice small, but growing as he grasps the truth. "You were the reason I spent months in that retched  place! You're the reason for it all! All that has happened, all that we have gone through. Julian, everything." He looks at me as he says the last part and I see so much sorrow in his eyes-sorrow and guilt-that I rush forward to put my arm around him. He's safe. The only thing in my life that is safe and good and true. 

Alex keeps talking as I reach for his hand and squeeze it. He knows what I mean, I forgive him an I hope he forgives me. I see Hana's reaction at the gesture, her shock-she is still wired as a cured- but also relief. I can't understand why. And then it hits me, she is relieved that she didn't do too much damage to us. But she did, she just can't see it. In a second the wave of hatred comes back to me and I no longer feel sorry for her, only Alex. 

"And then you came to me and I believed you!" He says. "I believed that you wanted a new life, but your just as bad as them all! Playing games with me, I should have known you weren't telling the truth, you can't become uncured, I was so stupid to trust you." 

Hana, with her head held high and voice strong answers. She isn't telling just talking, with the cold measured words of a cured. 

"I'll leave, but before I do I want you think twice before accusing people of playing games. I don't know what happened, but I know you hurt her and I need you to fix it. You may not believe it but I love Lena," she talks about me as if I'm not in the room, but I don't mind it, I don't think either of them would notice if I spoke up anyway. "So don't go accusing people of playing games when that's all you are doing. Love is a demon in disguise as an angel, it will play with you and make you play too. It controls your mind and changes your thoughts and your will. It may be something I want, but I won't let it control me, I won't play with people, and I advise you to do the same."

It takes a couple seconds for anyone to reply. We are all too shocked. Not because what she said is wrong, but because it is right. Love is something I want, but has it been playing with me? Have I been playing with others? I can't help but think about Julian and I know that I have. But I can't play any longer, it's time to end the game, but I don't know who's won. 

Then I look over at Grace. Have I been playing with her? I left, stranding her practically alone with no food and no money. Hana helped her, not me. I have done nothing but mess with her life and Hana as fixed some of it. 

I am about to open my mouth to tell Hana that she can stay; even though I have hatred toward her, she cleaned up part of my mess with Grace and I owe her for that. Maybe she can love again. Maybe there is a cure for the cure. But right before I can get the words out, the door bursts open. My mother comes rushing in, looking frantic; a look she hardly ever wears. She quickly takes in the scene in front of her but says nothing, even though she must have a million questions. There seems to be only one thing on her mind as she looks right at me and says

 "Lena, it's Raven."