Silence || FourTris

Chapter Seven

Song for this chapter - She's Mine Pt. 1 by J. Cole

"I wanna tell the truth to you, I wanna talk about my days as a youth to you
exposing you to all my demons & the reasons I'm this way,
I would like to paint a picture, but it'd take more than a day."

Tris.

I think I am ready. I really think I'm almost ready to take that enormous step toward motherhood. Lately, at work, seeing all of the children interact with their mother's has made me long for that special bond. Sometimes I ponder whether I've wanted that bond for a long period of time now, & maybe the reason I never spoke my thoughts about having a child was because of my blinding fear of failing as a mother, or failing to carry a baby to full term.

I've never gotten pregnant, & I don't know where my fair of having a miscarriage or stillborn stems from, but the thought of not being able to carry a baby to full term terrifies me to the point that I don't even want to think about having children. But I do. I really do.

I feel like I am contradicting myself when I say that, but it's the truth. I want a baby, but I don't. I don't want to face the pain & guilt that would occur if I were to have a stillborn or miscarriage. But I so desperately long for that mother daughter bond. And I desperately want to be able to have my own child, & show him or her off.

I think another reason I have developed this want for a child is because I think it will help restore the bond between Tobias & I. I can't explain how amazing it was to see the smile that appeared on his face when I told him that I was ready. His eyes displayed an enormous amount of happiness & pride; something I haven't seen in awhile.

But I know it's too soon. That's the one downfall with the situation. We can't have a baby & let it be the reason we're close again. I don't want the baby to become the person that holds our marriage together. The results would just be catastrophic. And not to mention the fact that I would need a better paying job to support the baby. Granted, Tobias will be there to help, but I don't want him to be the individual that pays for the large majority of the items the child will need.

So we wait. We won't wait until the fourteen weeks are over; we will wait until we're both totally ready. We both are emotionally, but our marriage says otherwise. We both may be ready personally, but together we have to achieve true happiness in our marriage before we decide to have a baby.

We still have a long way to go, but we are inching closer to being the inseparable couple, like before. Everything takes time.

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I wake up, engulfed in the warm blankets & sheets that lay upon the mattress. Due to the extremely cold weather that has been hitting Chicago, & surrounding areas has left us sleeping with multiple blankets. You may ask if our heat works, & yes it does, but there is no fighting the fact that we still get cold, even with the heat of our home.

We go back for our second counseling session today, at 11 am. We both set our alarms for 9:45 so we can get a proper start on the morning, but it is currently 8:30 as I lay awake. I'm normally up by 7 for work, so this isn't much of a difference. Now that I am awake, I am not even going to make an attempt to try to sleep more because once I am awake, I am awake. There's no going back to sleep now.

I stand quietly so I don't awake Tobias, & I make my way to the kitchen to make coffee & get things ready for breakfast. Tobias & I decided that after the appointment, we're going to go to Chicago Ridge Mall, to choose our Christmas presents for our friends. We thought about going to skate at Millennium Park, but the weather is too severe to be outside for too long, so it would just be a waste of our time. I'm really excited to just be on good terms with Tobias again, because I honestly don't know how we let it get this bad. I know I should've tried harder, but the past is the past. There is always room for change in the future.