Dear Boy,
When you tell me you love, and that you've loved me since we didn't even have the word teen in our ages ... even less.
I think of how at that peak of my life I put it on hold , so I can watch closely and see how my mother disintegrates right before my eyes.I think of nurses in and out of my house. Pink scrubs and white nurse shoes. " Oh darling! What long hair you have."
It reminds me of unknown ladies complimenting me. Waking me up in the morning, everyday i opened the door to a new person from Hospice.
Dear Boy,
When you say you are madly in love with me, and it makes you sad that i cant say it back.Boy do you know that i can't even love myself. And the love I have or had left over
I gave it to my Mother.
I gave it to my Siblings.
I gave it to my Best Friend
I gave it to everyone who needed saving at the moment. Darling, I gave it all away. Im not saying that I don't love you. Im saying that if it looks like im effortless, its because I cant find anymore love to give out.
Dear Boy,
When I said I was still salty about you leaving , I never meant salty like the ocean water and air.I meant like if someone dropped the whole box of Kosher salt in the food. And if you expect me to eat it I refuse, because I understand it was all out of your control. And I represent the word petty as whole. 4 years is a long time and im a different person now compared to who i was then. I feel iv lost my muchness and theres no way to get it back.
Dear boy,
The confessions you want me to say, iv already said them. You would beg to differ but darling iv already said them and i can quote. "I promise to keep my brightness as long as you stay... because my biggest fear is to never experience you ever again."
Boy thats all there was to say why do you keep trying to pry these things out of me? Iv cried enough tears for you and you are still asking for more.
Dear Boy,
I pray for you every night. I pray that my feelings aren't a waste of heart, I pray that my 7th grade tears were worth it, the rivers that came out of my eyes for days on end weren't a waste.
I cry for you, with tears of rage, lust, love, sadness. I sometimes pray in the name of those things as well
I pray for all our love.
Why did you have to love me for so long? And not be there back when i loved you.
Dear Boy,
All I iv wanted to say has been said in some way ,shape or form, you just need to think about it and put it all together.
All I ask is if you please stop doubting me in the certain things I do, because CANT YOU SEE I AM GODDAMN TRYING. Can't you see that with all my might i am fucking trying boy please. My emotions are not on display and i plan to keep it that way because iv said everything that needed to be said. Iv been guarded ever since we met. And iI plan to keep it like that.
Dear Boy,
I love you.
And I cant stand it.
I said it when i didn't want to admit it.
But boy , please know I wholeheartedly meant it.
~ S.M.V.N
