From my traumas was born a feeling.
A desire that consumed me
It came way too early.
Curiosity introduced pleasure.
And once it was found, I used it...
I don't know why I just did
Control...There was none
If I told you I was so young that I hadn't yet even shaved, I was a boy
Yet I was touching myself under my desks at school because I could not control myself.
Wanting the attention of a girl,
Wanting to be wanted..
To feel loved and enjoyed like I was worth something
I craved something and I didn't even understand what it was I just knew it was there..And I was not normal
As time passed it got worse, I had too do more
They wanted me and I wanted them and as time went by,
I felt like a devil...Temping those who are not like me,who don't see the things as I do, or even feel this lustful urge coming over me.
Messages turned to descriptions an the being love feeling then those turned into pictures,
The girls turned into woman before they should of..and it was my doing there were so many of them.
I don't know if I love to please or if I just love them wanting me,
But I had to do it and I can't control it,
I met someone who I didn't think much of or even cared for...Who truly loved me even after knowing what I was she accepted me
I felt it for a second before I broke..my heart felt like it crack and the scars around my body all ached so much I was so numb...I panicked
My life...
The Abuse made me...I wanted to be loved.
Without knowing what "love" was and how could I, having never experiencing it..only sex
that first time..
Sex even though it was against my will..felt horrible but good at the same time so I buried the bad only kept the good...tried looking for good in that way
First time having sex was the first hit of my drug. I was faded,ashamed, loved,hated
I couldn't stop her,and afterwards I just had to have more.
I didn't want their time I really just wanted their body,
I had no respect or Any morals or beliefs,
Just giving myself to the people who deeply attracted or showed the slightest interest in me
I would get aroused looking at someone and my mind would begin to imagine.
Before even saying a word to her...I had fucked her
And by the next day with a stranger who can be easily manipulated it happened.
And i never felt ashamed... i felt so happy because of the relief it gave me like
Someone out there cares enough to touch me and let me touch them...it felt so good doing someone
I had to do it again, I don't want to let this feeling go
No,
I can't let this feeling go...too be nothing again to be trash again to be broken again
Feels like I'm suffocating
I need too again...I need to feel good
It got worse,
I couldn't say no.
Like my mind wanted to stay sometimes out of guilt because I knew what I was doing how I used them how much of my scar I leave behind in them
But my body made me go...My body couldn't
No,
My body Didn't want too resist
I even have to do it when I'm all alone if it's that bad,
Sex is my addiction
you'd think i wanna quit but I don't.
It's a problem, it really is,
It's dangerous and I know.
But I can't help myself and I can't get enough
Except what's this feeling now...
Shame..
Disgusted..
What had I been doing these past few years..
How could I...
I'm so dirty..so broken
Delusional sex is sex
But no one will love me ....
