Will you save me? {Justin Bieber Fan-Fiction}

The Change

Neither my mom nor my say a word, it's just silence for about five minutes when my mother decides to finally say something. "H-Honey, D-Do you h-hurt yourself?" Now she's crying and I can't hold my tears back anymore. I don't say anything, I just go up to her and hug her as tight as I can. We both start crying even more. I'm surprised that I didn't even try to find an explanation, I just let her believe what she saw. She knows about everything now, maybe not about my suicidal thoughts, but she knows that I'm harming myself. I never thought I'm gonna say this, but I'm actually so relieved that I finally don't need to hide it anymore.

"Listen to me, Hannah. I love you more than anything in this world. I don't know why you think hurting yourself is the right way to express your feelings, I seriously don't understand it. I'm trying to understand but I just can't. How did it get that bad? Why did you let it get so far, why didn't you tell me about this? You know that I would never ever judge you and that I only want the best for you. I will always support you trough anything, you should know that, Hannah. I love you. Please tell me, what made you feel like hurting yourself is the right thing to do?"

It really breaks my heart to hear those words from my mother, I'm crying even harder now and I'm not really able to speak at all. It was never in my attention to hurt my mother with this but it was my only escape from all that bullshit in life. Well, sometimes I also felt like I deserve it, so that's why I've done it to myself, or I was just angry at myself and then took it out on me. It just took all the pain away, nothing could ever replace the cutting for me. At first I always thought I could stop and I never thought that I would end up with all these scars but it just got worse and worse. It became and addiction. It's like smoking, once you started you can't stop. The blood is addictive just like a drug. I wish I was able to tell all of this to my mother but I don't think she could handle the truth so I decide to not tell her a thing.

"Does it matter? I flushed them because I want to get better. Mom, the first time since years I finally have strength I can get trough this." Before I can finish my sentence my mom interrupts me. "W-What? YEARS? HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DEPRESSED AND HURTING YOURSELF?" With every word she says she starts crying more and more and it really is the most heartbreaking thing ever. No matter how much pain I felt in these last years, nothing was as worse as seeing my mother like this. I know she's probably not angry at me just hurt but her screaming at me hurts as hell as well. Whatever, I've been lying to her since years so I decide to finally open up to her, about everything, even if it's gonna hurt her.

"It's only been a few years, the cutting. I don't remember feeling happy, I just don't remember how happiness feels like, to be honest you know. I don't know myself how all of this happened, it just got worse and worse everyday. I started hurting myself because it was the only escape from all the pain, it took it away even though it was only for a short time, it helped. In the beginning I thought I could stop, but it became and addiction and I wasn't able to stop. But I promise Mom, I really want to get better, I met this boy at school and he really inspired me to get help, he's amazing."

It's really much easier to talk to my mom than I thought. And she reacted completely different than I thought she would, I'm happy she did. She is actually so supporting and not judging me at all and that's all I need right now. I kinda hate myself for not telling her and lying to her all the time. Maybe If I did tell her before I could've help earlier.

"I don't really know what to say. This is really hard for me. I feel so bad about myself that I never noticed anything, I mean I should have. It breaks my heart to see you like this, it really does. If you agree, is it okay if you go to therapy? I just want you to get better and I'll support you trough anything, you should know that I'm always, really always, here for you."