Visiting Therapy

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Katy just stares at me without saying a word. After about five minutes she turns around and walks away still not saying anything. She starts talking with the others again but I can't hear what they're saying I'm way too far away. After a while everyone leaves but Katy keeps standing there still in shock. Maybe she realized what she's done to me? I throw that thought right away again. People don't change she is probably just hurt and never thought that I would actually defend myself.

The others come back in my direction. I bet they want to call me names again and maybe abuse me physically. The group leader comes up and calls me an emo how I expected. They all make rude comments and Robin, the strongest guy at our whole school stands right in front and hits me right in my face. It doesn't hurt that much, I've been hit harder but I see Justin freaking out and starting a fight with Robin. It's really getting out of control but I don't know how to stop this I'm not strong enough to go separate them and no one else wants to. Finally I see a teacher coming towards us better late than never I think to myself. He can stop the fight and tells Justin and Robin to go home for today. 

How should I survive this day without Justin. He's the reason why I even came back to school today and now I need to face all my bullies on my own. I take a deep breath and whisper to Justin "I'ts going to be okay, I will survive. Just get some rest and we'll see each other after school. Don't worry, I can do this." I don't believe all the words I just said but I try to say them with as much confidence as possible. I know that I need to be strong for Justin now. "I'll pick you up after school, I believe you are strong enough to get trough this day beautiful." We kiss one last time before he makes his way home and I to my class room.

I notice that Katy is still standing there, still with the same look. I seriously don't know what happened to her. Was I too hard on her? Because I forgive way too fast I go up to her and ask her if everything is alright and that I'm sorry about before. She looks at me like I'm crazy. "What?! You are apologizing to me? I am the one who needs to apologize!" She screams that everyone can hear it, I see that she really is sorry, she's in so much pain right now and I feel bad about what I said before now. Before I can the right words to say she starts speaking again.

"Look, I'm so sorry okay. I didn't mean one word that I said. It's just that I got bullied when I was younger and everyone was against you. I was scared if I defended you I was going to get bullied again and I really didn't want to go trough so much pain again. So I just joined them but you need to know that nothing is true what they're saying or what I was saying, it's bullshit. You are beautiful even with your scars, everything in fact is beautiful about you. Please can you forgive me, I really want to be your friend and support you trough thick and thin. I don't care if I get bullied again I just want to be a friend that I needed back then. Please."

I'm so overwhelmed by her apology that my eyes get very watery. I'm ready to forgive her maybe I will never forget how she treated me but I believe everyone deserves second chances. "Thank you, I forgive you it's just maybe going to take some time until I can totally forgive you if you understand. I can't really be mad at you, I understand it in a way. I was bullied myself before and I understand that you don't want to go trough that again. I'll try my best that we can be friends again, I'd really love to be friends with you." She smiles so bright.

"If you don't mind can you tell me your story? How all of this started? Why do you feel like cutting is your only escape? Do you think you deserve this? If you do you need to know that you really don't okay, you only deserve happiness and even if people tell you different they're not right. Don't listen okay." You could really tell that she isn't just curious but that she really cares so I decide to tell her everything, literally everything.

"As I mentioned before I got bullied for a couple of years and that's how my depression started. Nobody wanted to be friends with me and everyone was just so rude against me, without any reason. I guess they knew how it is it was to break me. After a while I started to believe all of the stuff they said to me and all my self confidence turned into self hate. I started hurting myself at the age of 13 and it got worse everyday. First I only cut like once a week and not very deep but later I cut everyday and so deep that it would leave scars for a lifetime. I also started to throw up after meals if I ate because they called me fat. I just tried to look perfect for them but I never was, it was never enough. I really thought I could never get better until I came to this school and met Justin. He's the first person that gave me hope and that made me believe that life actually is worth living. I'm starting to get better but it's still hard. It's been a while since I cut and I'm going to therapy soon but it's still a long way till I'm fully recovered. But the difference to now and before is that I finally believe I can get trough this, I know I can."

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