ENVY// AMBW

4.

I never thought that I would be the one leaving him, I was so afraid of him leaving me that it never crossed my mind. Things work in mysterious ways and those ways will never be entirely understood. I guess that's what makes Earth so captivating, I guess that's what makes the world go round. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time, I wished to prevent myself from doing the things that were such red flags so that I could avoid the pain. I wish to go back now.

I wished to start all over...from the very beginning.

I wished to have never met Namjoon so that I wouldn't have to hurt him and so that he could find someone better than me, so that his family would welcome me with open arms. I didn't want him to worry about me and my acceptance. I should've just stayed in the States, but I cant go back. I cant warn myself of the things that I have now somewhat adapted to. I cant stay away from Namjoon.

We didn't have school for about a week for Spring break so him and I had time on our hands to do whatever we pleased together. We both agreed to give each other space; I was to relax in peace and travel around Korea, and he was to catch up on finishing an engineering paper to apply for an internship. I knew he saw the message, but surprisingly he never brought it up. Not once did he ever mention meeting his mother or his father in the past or now. I don't think he wants me to...

There comes a time in a relationship that becomes really stressful and you just want to give up. It was a plague and only those fit to survive usually come out on top. We were on the epitome of it, Namjoon said he was fine before, but our relationship never was the same. Occasionally there were fights due to the amount of pressure coming down on us from the outside world. What people fail to realize, is that love is more than just laughs and cute walks in the parks. It's more than soft kisses on each other's necks or watching movies and snuggling up to each other while drinking hot chocolate. It was the ability to accept each other's capabilities and being able to go through tough times with them. It was the ability to be able to accept their flaws, and their stubbornness and random outburst of anger no matter how much it irritated you and how much you wanted to rip their head of their necks. Love is the glue that sticks two people together, no matter what gender etc., and keeps them together.

Love was the reason to keep holding on, promising that there will be better times ahead of us. And so we held on and we kept fighting, not being able to control the things being done to us but how we reacted to them instead. Too much ran through my mind while I was seeking peace traveling Korea. If Namjoon wont bring the message up then what would happen? Does he not want to be in a relationship with me? Is he letting our time together run up so his parents can assign his new love? What is he thinking?

I hated not being able to read his mind. I hated how he was so secretive yet so protective. He was such a contradicting person all in all. After years of being with him, I could not tell what he was thinking through his dark brown eyes and it bothered me. I continued to pray for our relationship so that we would last, but now I'm starting to think that we weren't. The odds were all against us and they weren't in our favor at all.

I traveled to the mountains and stayed in a cabin for awhile. I received no texts or any calls from him. Usually, he'd ask if I was okay or not. He needs his space. I'm being too clingy.

The mountains were such a beautiful place. The trees were just starting to bloom with flowers after such a gloomy and depressing winter. It was mesmerizing and the smell was heavenly. Each morning, I would wake up early to witness the sun rise hugging all of the trees. On the third day, I decided to go to Seoul and explore the cute little coffee shops they had there. Before you know it, I had totally forgot about the problems I had in the relationship.

Forget Namjoon for now and just live Amara.

And so I did. I went to little thrift stores and bought adorable knick-knacks before I went into a hotel to stay a few more nights. It was nice to feel free and to not have to worry about what he was thinking and how he felt. It was my time to be selfish and take care of myself. I got my hair done and bought new clothes and met new people. I've never felt so liberated.

But then I had to come home...

"How was your trip?" He asked, when I got settled in as I walked into the kitchen to get food. "It was fun," I replied,", and relaxing. What about you?" I grabbed some tea bags from the cabinet and prepared the water. He groaned in agitation and walked into the kitchen. I ignored his presence; he wasn't going to say anything and if he did, it would start an argument. It always played out that way lately. "You read my messages, didn't you?" I continued to put the kettle on the stove in shock. He couldn't see my facial expression because my back was turned to him and I thanked God secretly.

"Yeah, I did. Just once, but I read them. Why are you bringing it up all of a sudden?" I asked now facing him. This is going to turn into a fight. So unnecessary as fuck, Namjoon. Damn. "You're not meeting my parents, Amara. I'm not breaking up with you either. You mean too much to me for me to do something as stupid as that." Namjoon said with a stern face. I took this moment to look at his body. He was wearing sweatpants and a tank top that showed off his muscles. This is not the time to be looking at him sexually. Amara Sauda Kalu snap out of it!

"O-oh, um...okay." I diverted my eyes elsewhere before I thought about something else. "What are you thinking, Nala?" I finally decided to look at him. He looked so concerned and caring. I missed his smile and his prominent dimple that always used to show. "Nothing, nothing at all. But are you sure that you want to do this? She said you'll be disowned, Namjoon." He flung his hand carelessly," She's all talk. She once said that she'd never talk to me again if I didn't go to the college that my dad went to. Don't worry about her." Okay...?

"But what about that little problem you had that was getting in the way of what you wanted?" I asked. I wasn't going to let that go. I was convinced that he had me hold on to some sort of drug in that box and that he wasn't going to tell me. However, I obeyed his words and didn't open it despite my many theories. "Ah...problem's solved, I guess." He shrugged walking out of the kitchen as the kettle began to whistle.

Problem's solved?

What was he planning then?

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