Maybe it was late at night or early in the morning. It was raining hard, the thunder would shake the house and the lightening would illuminate my bedroom like the sun, even with all the lights off in the house. I put on one of my Joni's and start shuffling things around in my room. I push all the unnecessary items into the nursery and stare at it's barely begun progress. Frozen in time.
"Take it easy, Steph. In a couple of weeks we can start making this home for B3."
"A couple of weeks?"
"Yeah... too soon?"
"No, um...but I already bought a couple things"
He chuckles "I'm excited too" he tells me, wrapping his arms around me. "What did you buy?"
"Nothing really, just a couple outfits and blankets....a rocking chair, a crib...."
"That's not a lot at all!" He says, teasing me.
"I'm just so happy. I couldn't help myself. We haven't told anyone and it doesn't feel real. This made me so happy"
"Well alright but since you apparently went shopping when I was away, you definitely need to rest. I want a healthy wife and a healthy baby"
"I can do that" I say, complying to his wishes and he kisses me gently, a hand coming to rest on my belly.
"I can't wait to meet you" he says, pulling away to speak to the baby. "Help mama rest, okay buddy?"
"What are you doing, you crazy man?" He had been down there conferring with my navel for a few minutes now and only part of it was audible.
"Excuse me, lady, but I'm speaking to my son." He says playfully. "You said you think it's a boy, right?" I nod and he smiles. "I think so too. And what a special boy he will be." After one final kiss, I go to our room, falling asleep easily knowing this baby was so very loved by everyone who knew of him and that one day I would show him his beautiful room that mama had much too eagerly prepared.
Tears are falling down my face. Wine cannot drown out the emptiness I feel within me as I lay on my newly created gypsy refuge. My hands find my belly and I sob. I can almost slip back into the memories, feeling the tiny bump that had formed almost overnight. I can almost hear the excitement in Lindsey's voice when I told him of my feelings. My son, our son. Aria and Willow's baby brother. A carefully chosen name. A tiny, handsome, precious carbon copy of Lindsey, given to us by his grandfathers in a celestial place. I suppose that is the only comfort I can find in this. My little boy has the very best influences in the world. Lindsey's father Morris, unyielding when an obstacle arose, propelled forward by strength and determination, my grandfather AJ, warm and kind, full of songs and stories. Our little boy was now one of those great angels watching over all of us, keeping us all safe.
I didn't realize I had fallen asleep until I felt Lindsey standing over me. He crouched down, took my wine glass and scooped me up into his arms.
"Oh, Stephanie..." he says, shaking his head. "I wish I could take away your pain. I would give anything to give you another baby, or take you back in time and get back what was taken from us so harshly. I wish I could tell you everything you want to know, give you the answers you deserve..." he stops and I feel a tear fall upon my face from above. "You don't know how terribly torn apart I am. I would do anything, absolutely anything, Stevie. I would give my own life to make you happy." He lifts my body up to his face and nuzzles my cheek with his nose, kissing me. "I'm so sorry...I'm so very sorry. I can't lose you too. My heart lays broken in my chest as it is"
