Almost a week has passed since I have spoken to my mother and I can't shake that feeling I had when I hung up. I get out of bed and grab a bag from the closet, tossing things into it. Karen, on her rounds, catches me and I stare at her.
"What are you doing?" She asks.
"Help me pack"
"Pack? Pack for what?"
"I'm going to Arizona"
"I understand you miss your parents but your doctors are here, your counselor is here. You need your sessions"
"I know but something doesn't feel right"
"Is someone sick?"
"No...if I tell you, you're going to think I'm crazy"
"I already think you're crazy. Tell me anyway"
"I heard laughing in the background when I called her. I asked if she had company over and she said no. She claims it was the tv but it sounded so familiar"
"The tv is on all the time here. That's probably where you heard it"
"I know what my own child sounds like!" I tell her, getting upset that she won't even entertain the idea.
She gasps "You don't think...?"
"It sounded just like Willow, Karen. Please, I need to go. You said yourself that I'm getting better. Help me pack so I can see them. Please...."
"Okay, I'll help but only because I want to see them too" she says and I swat at her playfully, smiling.
----
After we're done packing, Karen arranges for a flight and I shower, and dress up a little so I can really impress them. I want to show them my progress and my attire as of late isn't going to suffice. I curl my hair and put on a beautiful black dress with a fitted jacket over top. I layer on the jewelry and wear the birth stone necklace I was gifted by Lindsey to represent my girls. Karen returns to the bedroom while I'm putting the finishing touches on my makeup.
"Flight is scheduled but we will have to be kind of quick about this"
"Okay" I say, looking over my shoulder at her briefly.
"Wow, Stevie!" She says. "Let me see you"
Last coat of mascara and I turn around to face her. "I still need to put on my boots but..."
"You look amazing! Wow! Maybe even better than your old self" she tells me and I blush.
"Thank you. I'm trying."
"You've made so much progress. I think now all we've got to deal with is keeping you away from the alcohol for good. You've made it through detox remarkably well. Everyone thinks so, and there seems to be no organ damage at all"
"It's truly a blessing. Someone up there is watching out for me."
"Yes they are. Are you ready to go?"
"Yeah, just give me a couple minutes, okay? I'll be right down" She nods and goes down stairs with our luggage. I put on my boots and surface clean my room a little, getting lost in thought.
It's late in the evening and I'm afraid I'm going to wake everybody up if I just show up. Maybe I can wait until the morning? I know I'm much too impatient for that.
I had my detox journal in a manila envelope on my desk. I pick it up and tuck it into my carry on before I leave, turn off the lights and join Karen in the foyer. She smiles warmly and takes my hand, leading me to car.
I stare out the window as we drive to meet the plane. So many feelings course through my body and I cannot contain them. "What if he's there but he doesn't want to see me?"
"I don't think that will happen"
"But what if, Karen? Humor me."
"Then we will cross that bridge when we get to it" she says and I sigh.
"What if he doesn't believe I am getting better?"
"He will know as soon as he sees you. You will just have to prove to him you will continue to work on it and not relapse. Have you gone back to coke?"
"No"
"Have you gone back to Klonopin?"
"No"
"Then you just have to work at not abusing alcohol. You've beat the odds so many times and this will be no different. Maybe in time you can have a glass of wine here and there but not a half a case a night like you were."
I nod and go back to staring out the window. A baggage assistant helps up gather the luggage and make sure we are comfortable and we take off for Phoenix. It's not a long flight thankfully but the wait was truly agonizing.
Getting to my house was both a comfort and a curse. There were the beginnings of a nursery and a pink room full of horses that Aria once occupied. It was strange to be back. My babies are no longer babies and life is not at all like it was when we lived here. It was almost as if this house didn't exist and I even contemplated putting it up for sale but just couldn't. Too many memories and this way, I could be close to my mom and dad.
"I don't know if I want to wait until morning" I tell her, sitting on the couch.
"Should I call them and see if they're up?"
"If you would"
"I have to go to the store, are you okay if I drop you off?" I nod. "Okay, but just call me when you need me to come back"
"I will, thank you" She leaves the room briefly, and I can't hear anything she's saying on the phone.
I grab my carry on again, make sure the envelope containing my journal is still in there and retrieve it. I sigh, realizing it won't fit in my purse this way. The envelope has to go and that's fine, it annoyed me anyway. It was just so I could drop it in the mail later, if need be. I smooth the cover with my hand, staring at it. This little book holds so much of my struggle before I got treatment and my journey out of the darkness in the past four weeks. I journaled everyday, sometimes twice or three times a day. It contains letters and poems, drawings and most of the pages are tear stained. I haven't been able to read back through it, it hurts too much, but I hope one day it will all just be a distant memory. I shove it into my buttery-soft leather purse, noticing Karen is coming back.
"They're excited to see you. Let's go, Stevie. No turning back."
"No turning back" I repeat and head back to the car, my heart beating nearly out of my chest.
A/N: hope this wasn't too boring
