laugh » l.t {editing}{c.s}

( 28 )

 28  -   e x p l a n a t i o n s   / /  l o u i s 

         I didn't know what was wrong with me. This wasn't like me. All this sadness that didn't seem to want to fade, this constant dejected feeling, all the frowning and grumbling I'd done – it wasn't like me at all yet I couldn't help it. I hadn't been real with myself before, what may have seemed like progress, was really a very strained attempt to hide the fact that I was hurting badly inside. I didn't even recognise it myself. Until now. I'd simply buried my heartache deep down in my mind with all the other things I always tried not to address but I guess, as soon as I heard about El and that new guy, all that really terrible pain that I should have been feeling seemed to finally – and properly – hit home.

      I learned something about myself, and that was that I didn't take heartbreak very well. I'd never ever felt like this before. I felt hurt, betrayed and for the first time in my life – even though it was minor – depressed. Could you blame me though? I was head over heels for Eleanor. I had loved her with every beat of my heart. We had planned to be together forever, grow old together. She was my first real love. Our relationship had been so amazing and the fact that it was over and she had already moved on killed me, to be perfectly honest. 

        It wasn't even the height of the whole situation. She'd kept her budding romance from me, lied to me on the phone when we'd initially spoken. She had said there was nothing going on, only to later admit that there was in fact, a lot, going on. That stung, that she felt the need to hide something like that for me at first. It seemed and felt as though I had meant nothing to her in the first place. It made me want to evaluate our entire relationship. Had it been a farce? Was there really any spark in the first place? There had to have been, or I would never have got to caught up in her.

       I knew I shouldn't care and even be happy that she was dating, but it was so soon. We'd only split up a little over a month ago. I couldn't stop thinking about it, the fans hadn't stopped deliberating over it, yet she thought that was enough time to rekindle a flame of love. I was appalled to say the least. I would think she'd have a little more sympathy for the person she'd broke it off with. 

        I felt backstabbed and at that moment, I was literally all alone. Harry had stepped out of the flat for bit – to recollect himself I'm sure – after having to deal with my stubborn, gloominess for the last few days. Of course I felt bad and sort of guilty, but I couldn't bring myself to succumb to his wish of wanting to talk about everything. In all honesty, I'd rather not. I'd probably end up feeling even more awful saying it all aloud even after I'd finally accepted it. 

       I sighed, rolling unto my side and just about catching myself from falling off my bed. My eyes floated to the carpet, magazines sprawled all over it. Each had a huge eye-catching headline boasting an article about Eleanor and I's 'bumpy relationship' or about her new love interest. and there were many speculations about us in general. 

       All of it was causing so much frenzy with the press and media, that Paul had contacted all the guys and I saying that we had an urgent meeting with Management a couple days ago. It was all very rushed and sudden.

       Basically they told me that I had to do a bunch of interviews and press conferences and all to clarify and put to rest the rumors and allegations and they also said I should speak to Eleanor, see if she'd make a statement or something. To be frank, I didn't plan to – nor was I in the right state of mind or mood – to do either and had kept myself in the confinements of my room, hoping that when I finally decided to venture out, everything would have dialed down and I could just be happy again.