Carry On

Chapter 2

  I was running. From what, I have no idea. I just knew I had to keep going, no matter the ache in my chest, or the pain in my legs; I had to keep running. I ran, faster than I thought possible with my starved limbs. I kept running. I had to keep going. I was running, and I tripped. I tried desperately to stand, so I could keep running from whatever was behind me. I kept trying to get up, but to no avail. I could barely move. I heard them before I could see them.
  "It's your fault. You killed us. We'd be alive if it weren't for you." I was finally able to see who was saying these cruel words, but then wished I hadn't. I was surrounded by people. At first, they were faceless. I could have dealt with that. At least then I wouldn't have felt as guilty. But then I could see their faces. Faces of those I had killed. Fred, Tonks, Remus, Colin, Lavender, Sirius, Cedric, my mom, my dad, and so many others. I barely registered the tears streaming down my face.
  "I'm sorry!" I cried ", I didn't mean to! I'm sorry!" I looked at them, all those who had died for me. They looked down at me in disgust.
  "We could have had normal lives! A normal son! But no! You just had to be the 'Chosen One!' The fact that I died so you could live disgusts me!" My mother shouted.
  "And what about me? I left my son! He was a newborn! I left him so you could live! Clearly that was a mistake." Remus bellowed.
  "I left my twin! My other half! Do you know how broken up he is? All because you distracted me! If only you had died when you were supposed to, then I would be with George!" Fred yelled.
  I bolted awake, Fred's words still echoing in my head. For once I didn't feel sick after waking from the nightmare. I quickly realized the wetness on my face and went to the bathroom off of my room. I soon regretted looking in the mirror, as I could now see why so many people asked if I was alright.
  I knew I lost weight after the war, but I didn't realize how much. I was practically skin and bones, my night clothes hanging limply off of my frail form. I had dark circles under my eyes, far worse than ever before. My once vivid green eyes were now dull, though it was harder to see when I had my contact lenses in, I'm sure. I had decided to switch from glasses to contacts after about a month of living with Teddy. There was only so many times I could stand to fix my glasses.
  After washing my face clean from tears, I went to check the time. It read 5:57 am. I guess I might as well get ready, after all, there is no way I could get any sleep after that dream. I quickly grabbed my clothes for the day, muggle clothes, as I still had a day before classes started. I took a shower, ignoring the stinging of the marks on my stomach, arms, and legs. After finishing in the bathroom, I quickly dressed, and put a glamor on to disguise just how dreadful I looked.
  After much thought, I decided to head down to the common room, Hermione would be up soon anyway. I headed down, assuming no one else would be up yet, but was mistaken when I saw a head of white blonde hair on one of the sofas.
  "Who knew, Potter up at 6:30 in the morning. Why, I always assumed you were late because you slept in. So, tell me Potter, were you simply late on purpose?" Malfoy asked, his classic sneer firmly in place, though something seemed off. He didn't seem to take as much joy in insulting me as before.
  "Sod off, Malfoy. I'm too tired to deal with you." I said, barely sparing him a glance as I sat down on the arm chair on the other side of the room.
  "Oh, a bit touchy this morning, are we? Tell me this, Potter, is it because you spend your nights crying?" I froze at his words. There was no way he could know, right? Only then did he realize that, in his tired state the previous night, that he didn't cast any silencing charms around his room.
  "Shut up." I said, glaring at him.
  "Oh, stuck a nerve, didn't I? Well, next time you want to keep your nightly tears to yourself, then perhaps you cast a silencing ward. After all, you never know who might have the room next to yours. You kept me up nearly half the night, with your shouting about being 'sorry.' Honestly, Potter, how did you survive this long?" With those parting words, Malfoy got up and left.
  As soon as he left through the portrait, Hermione came down the stairs. "Hello, Harry. I'm surprised to see you up this early. I thought I would need to fight to get you up this morning, after you went to bed last night." She looked at me, clearly scanning for the same things as last night. "You look a lot better." She said, almost questioningly.
  "I guess I was just tired." I lied. "They're probably serving breakfast by now, want to head down?" I asked, quickly changing the subject. She looked at me again, before nodding.

    =======================

  "Harry, are you sure you're alright? You aren't eating a thing." Hermione asked, once again shooting me a worried glance.
  "I'm fine, 'Mione, just not hungry." I responded, almost mechanically. She shot me a look, and was about to respond, but before she could, McGonagall walked up carrying our time tables.
  "Mr. Potter, Miss Granger. Here are your time tables. If you wish to change any of your courses, then come talk to me. Good day." She said, and continued down the table.
  "Harry, can I speak with you outside?" I heard Hermione ask. I was going to decline, until I saw the determined look in her eyes.
  "Fine, Hermione." As soon as I said that she was practically dragging me out of the Great Hall. I barely had time to grab my stuff. When we got out, her grip loosened enough for me to yank my arm back.
  "Ow! That hurt!" I said, rubbing my arm.
  "Sorry, Harry. But this is important." She looked at me, and I nodded for her to continue. "Harry, are you alright?"
  "Hermione, for the last time-"
  "I know you have a glamor on." I looked at her in shock. There was absolutely no way that she could know. That's why I chose this glamor spell, it is nearly undetectable. She must have seen my shock and confusion, because she explained further. "Harry, do you remember the scar you have on your hand from fifth year?" I nodded dumbly "It isn't there anymore. Now Harry, are you alright?" I continued to look at her in shock, cursing her superior observation skills. I quickly glanced down at my hand, and sure enough, no scar from that toad Umbridge.
  "'Mione, I'm..." I trailed off at her glare. I can't tell her. I can't. I won't be able to take the pity, or worse, the rejection.
  She doesn't really care about you. She blames you. It's your fault. If you tell her, she'll leave. She won't keep up this facade any longer, she won't need to. The voice I had become so familiar with said. I know they're right, but what other choice do I have? There is no way I can lie about this, and she won't let it rest until she knows. A few people walked by, they waved at us, and Hermione waved back, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Making my decision I finally opened my mouth to reply.
  "Hermione, I'm not okay." I said, finding my shoes rather interesting at the moment. I couldn't look at her. I just couldn't do it. I knew what would be in her eyes; pity. I can't take that.
  "Harry-" I didn't give her a chance to finish. I ran. I ran all the way to the other side of the castle, up several flights of stairs, and quickly said the password to the eighth year dorms. I ignored the calls of Seamus and Dean, and quickly climbed the stairs to my bedroom. I slammed the door behind me and quickly put up a ward to keep my friends out and a silencing charm.

Trigger warning!!! Self harm ahead!!!!
 
  I stood there, my wand still out from performing the charms. Why did I tell her? I had one secret and I couldn't keep it. I deserve this. I deserve all of this. Every emotional scar, every self inflicted mark, every beating from my Uncle Vernon. I deserve it. I calmly walked over to my trunk, rummaging through for a moment before finding what I needed. I vaguely heard someone knocking on the door, but I didn't care. I needed this. I grabbed the shiny metal object, and sat on the bed. I dragged it across my arms, not even flinching at the pain it caused. I deserve this. Once, twice, I kept going. Cut after cut. After what felt like an eternity, I put the blade back into its hiding place in my trunk, and just laid on the bed.
  Whoever was knocking before had left. Or, at least that's what I thought. I heard Hermione's voice through the wood of the door. "Harry? Please let me in. Please Harry, please, just undo the locking charm. Please." She just kept going. I really did not want to face her, but I knew that she wouldn't leave until I let her in. I walked over to the bathroom, and cleaned my fresh marks. As soon as they stopped bleeding, the glamor would cover them.  After the bleeding finally stopped, I walked over to the door, undoing the ward, but keeping the silencing charm.
 
Trigger warning over!

As soon as I opened it I saw Hermione, along with Neville and Dean. "Are you okay, mate? Have you been, crying?" Neville asked. I didn't even realize that I had tears in my eyes. I shrugged at him, hoping he wouldn't press. Hermione ran up to me and engulfed me in a hug.
  "Hey guys, if it's alright, I need to speak to 'Mione for a bit." They both nodded, and I walked into my room, Hermione still hugging me. "Okay, Hermione, you can let go of me now." I said. She slowly detangled herself, but still kept a hand on my shoulder. "I'll explain everything, okay? Just, please, don't tell anyone." Once again, I found myself unable to meet her eyes. Why was I doing this?
  "Okay Harry." I led us both over to the bed. Preparing myself to bear my heart and soul.