Carry On

Chapter 4

  After I came back from dinner Hermione wasn't in the common room. Looks like she won't be bothering me about telling anyone for the rest of the night. I headed up to my room, and cast the silencing and locking charms, hoping that if Malfoy was telling the truth about hearing me, that he wouldn't be able to tonight.

    =======================

  I walked into Defense Against the Dark Arts, dreading seeing Hermione there. I hadn't seen her since McGonagall came to my room. But, knowing Hermione, she wouldn't let it rest. So, I was doing what any self respecting wizard would do in my situation; avoiding her as if my life depended on it.
  I quickly sat down and tried desperately not to look at the cabinet in the corner of the room. The one that I knew contained the bogart from third year. One of the first lessons that Remus taught us.
  You killed him. He would still be here if only you had died. You should be dead. You deserve to die. That voice whispered. I couldn't help but listen. I didn't even notice when Hermione sat next to me, or when the professor walked in.
  "Alright class, my name is Professor Aidan. I am your new Defense professor. Now, I understand that your teachers in the past have been... Unstable. Because of this, we will need to at least review what you should have covered in past years. Today, to start, we will be reviewing the bogart." When I heard that, my head shot up. "I understand that this was covered in your third year, by a Professor Remus Lupin?" A chorus of yeses answered that. "Well, from what I've heard he did a wonderful job, but we must review it, as there is a new type of bogart. It was created by the Death Eaters, presumed to be by Miss Belatrix Lestrange. They do show your deepest fears, but, they can also show your worst memory. This depends on what would affect you the most. Also, another thing to know is that, the longer you wait to get rid of it, the more difficult it will be to do so. The spell and wand motion is still the same. Now that we have covered that, we will move on to the practical portion of the lesson. Everyone, line up now." Everyone stood, and with a wave of his wand, all of the tables and chairs moved to the side of the room. All of the students lined up, some trying to go to the front, while I and a few others headed to the end of the line.
  The fears were the usual, snakes spiders, werewolves, what one would expect to see. There were only a few memories. I couldn't look at those. Almost all of them were about the war. Sometimes they were losing loved ones, and sometimes it was even looking at Voldemort himself. Unfortunately, when it was my turn, the professor didn't end the class, as it had happened a few years before.
 
Trigger warning!!! Child abuse!!! Panic attack!!!

  I stepped up towards the familiar cabinet, my mind filled with thoughts of guilt, and wonder of what it would be. Probably the corpses of those who died, maybe even them blaming me. I didn't even think that it could be a memory. That is, until I saw my Uncle Vernon, a younger me in his meaty fingers, walk out of that cabinet. Any noise in the room immediately silenced. I froze. I remembered this. I had gotten home from my first year at Hogwarts, and the Dursley's weren't happy about Hagrid coming and 'infecting their Dudeykins with my kind's freakishness.' It was one of the worst beating I had ever received, at least until after the dementor attack.
  The bogart had gotten to the part where he decided to move on from slapping me, and grabbed the fireplace poker. No one dared to move. Even the professor didn't say a word. Vernon started beating the other me bloody. "Say it!" Vernon hissed. "Say it!" He kept hitting me with the poker, harder. The other me gasped in pain.
  "Okay!" He cried, "I'm a freak. I'm worthless. I should have died as a baby." It said, and that was when I lost it. My legs buckled, tears streamed down my face freely. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't speak. I couldn't move. I was back there. He was yelling at me. I barely heard Hermione run over to me. She reached out to touch me but I scrambled away. Professor Aidan came over, but I couldn't see his face. All I saw was Vernon, yelling at me that I was worthless. Suddenly, someone was shaking me, not letting me move away, as I did with Hermione.
  "Potter! It isn't real!" I didn't respond. The words of my Uncle sounding in my head. "Harry! It's not there! It's over!" I was desperately trying to control my breathing. I looked at whoever it was. "It's over, Harry. It's over." I couldn't see who it was, my tears were clouding my vision. I heard them say something to Hermione, and I was being lifted to my feet. I tried to walk, but immediately stumbled, nearly falling again. They caught me, and I was being lifted off my feet. Clearly it was a man, as I met a hard chest when they lifted me.
  I couldn't focus on my savior's gender for long, as the memories came back like a stab in the gut. They raced through my mind, one after another. Memories of past punishments, of varying degrees, of the people I had killed and how they died, even the nightmares I had had. I looked around, hoping to find some distraction, but all I saw was those who died.
  Who you killed. The voice added.
I felt my breathing pick up, my heartbeat pumping through my ears.
  "Harry. Harry look at me."  I looked up, green meeting blurry grey eyes. "It's over, Harry." Once he saw I had calmed down a bit, he continued. "Now, until we get to the Hospital Wing, I want you to count up to five, and then back down to zero. Can you do that?" I nodded. I did as I was asked, counting up and down from five. I felt myself relax slightly. I was almost back to the fearful state I had started in at the beginning of Defense class when we finally reached the hospital wing. He laid me down on the nearest bed, and went to get Madame Pomfery. I had nearly forgotten he was carrying me.
 
Trigger warning over!!!

  My eyes had finally cleared, and I was shocked to see Malfoy come back with a worried healer behind him. "You said he had a panic attack? Do you know what caused it?" She asked Malfoy, casting a diagnostic spell on me to see if I had any physical injuries.
  "Yes, Ma'am. We were in Defense Against the Dark Arts reviewing the bogart. What it came out as for him was... It would cause anyone to be triggered." He said, looking down at me. I was beginning to lose control again when he mentioned the bogart. I started counting again. I vaguely thought about thanking Malfoy for this trick later.
  "Mr. Malfoy, would you mind staying here with Mr. Potter for a while? The calming potions I have to give him will cause him to become very drowsy, and based on his past, he could very well have nightmares. He shouldn't be alone for that." Malfoy hesitated.
  "Wouldn't you rather have one of his friends do that?" Or perhaps give him Dreamless Sleep?" He asked, almost hesitancy in his voice.
  "I cannot mix the other potions I must give him with Dreamless Sleep. As for your accompaniment, I'm afraid that Miss Granger is not the one who brought him in. Or is the one here." She waited until Malfoy finally consented. Madame Pomfery left for her office, leaving the two of us alone. Malfoy gently grabbed my shoulders, pulling me up until I sat up completely.
  "You shouldn't lay down until you've had the calming potions, it could cause you to have another." He said, barely even looking at me. I nodded slightly, looking down at my hands.
  "Why are you helping me?" I asked, my voice quiet. "We've hated each other since first year, so why are you helping me?" I chanced a glance at him. He looked like he almost expected me to ask that.
  "Potter-" I winced at that name. He must have noticed. "Harry. I'm doing this because..." He took a deep breath before continuing. "I'm sorry." He muttered, barely audible. "After everything that happened-" he choked on his words. "I realized just how downright horrid I was." After a minute, I realized he wasn't going to continue. I was suddenly suspicious.
  "How do I know this isn't just another overly elaborate scheme to embarrass me or get me into trouble? And, even if you are sorry, why are you apologizing to me first? You were far worse to Hermione." I asked.
  "Merlin Potter, was I really that awful to you? Where you would think that I would do something like that to you, even after what appeared to be one of your first panic attacks?" He looked unsurprised. "Potter, I'm trying to apologize. I was awful to you, all because you wouldn't be my friend." He chuckled humorlessly. "I never wasted an opportunity to humiliate you, or get you punished. I was an absolute git, to put it lightly. And I'm... I'm sorry for that." I could see him avoiding my eyes. "I understand if you don't forgive me, if the roles were reversed I probably wouldn't."
  "Why are you doing this? What do you get out of this?" I asked suspiciously. After the last seven years, I knew better than to immediately trust the young Malfoy Heir. He finally met the other boys eyes. He searched for any trace of dishonestly, but found none. "You know what? Never mind. Malfoy, I'm not sure if I forgive you, but I don't blame you, for anything. And I understand why you did what you did." I said. He looked shocked at my words, though disbelieving. I continued to look him in the eyes until I saw understanding pass over them. He slowly nodded.
  Just then, Madame Pomfery came out of her office, potions in hand. I slowly took each of them, feeling the effect in only a few moments. I slowly laid back down. After a few minutes of battling with myself, I allowed sleep to take over, praying that the nightmares wouldn't come, but knowing that they would.

A/n:
Sorry guys, I don't really like leaving an a/n at the end of chapters, but I just wanted to let you guys know that I have never personally had a panic attack, and I do understand that there are different "types" (so to speak) depending on the person. If I got that part wrong, I'm sorry, I don't mean to offend. Leave some constructive criticism if you can! Thanks for reading.