The Perks of Being a Fan of the Perks of Being a Wallflower

January 12, 2014

January 12, 2014 

Dear Charlie,

    I've never been so lost in my life. And the saddest thing is, it is my own soul that I'm lost within.

    Maybe my brain is screwed, but I'm so sick of happiness. And that's because happiness is suppose to be found deep in a person's heart and soul; not in a pill that they have to take every morning. And the worst part is, when the pill wears off, you crash. And if you find yourself crying at 3 am because you can't sleep and your life is falling to pieces, just know that it's not your fault. The meds are hurting you, and you're not crazy.

     But sometimes you just have to be strong. And it's hard, it really is. But you can't let the pill take over your life. You have to remember who you are. And that's the hardest part- holding on to what makes you,  you.

    Tomorrow I go back to school, and honestly I don't want to go. Especially since I'm still getting use to the side affects of the meds. And a lot of them really scare me, because I'm taking a lot of it and I'm losing more and more of myself every day.

    But the worst side affect is sometimes at random times of the day, my legs give out. And I lose all strength and feeling in my limbs. And I can't move. I'm just stuck. And I forget completely how to control my legs and how to get them to walk. And sadly, I've lost a lot of brain power like that. 

    I also shake violently. And if you give me a cup of water, it will spill out everywhere because I don't remember how to get my hand to steady itself.

    I've lost 6 pounds since I've started taking it. And I feel like I'm growing weak. But I can't weigh what hurts more, not being mentally stable or not being physically capable of anything.

    And if I can be completely honest with you, it only really hurts because I feel so alone. And I know I'm not the only person whose been through this, but I feel like no one really understands me anymore. And I don't think I even understand myself.

I just need someone to tell me that I'm not fucking insane.

They tell me that

it's good for the soul

to make fun of yourself,

but I can't

because the damage

has already been done

by those that laughed

at my flaws

for fun.

Love always, Alia