This place

13.

A few weeks later Raph and I began working on our 'project'.I grew so much.I learnt that God loves you no matter what you've done and He wants the best for you.I guess I found it hard to believe based on the kind of person I am.I've done horrible things.Things that I'm not proud of.
Things that I've never told anybody about.

I was suicidal.I almost became anorexic.I was such a mess.I guess I still am,but I'm a beautiful mess now.

I helped Raphael with reading.It wasn't much of a challenge for me,because I was a tutor during my teen years,in order to raise money for my family.I learnt that everybody has their battles to fight.Everybody feels pain,afterall we're all human...
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"Try reading that Raph." I said while pointing at the word preposterous.
Raph squinted his eyes as if he needed glasses.
"Um, pruh-post-uh-rous?What does it mean?"
"Well you use that word to describe something insane,unbelieve some thing that shocks you so much that it actually angers you."
"That definition is preposterous."
I laughed.Smart guy.

I clapped my hands.He was getting better and better at this thing.

"You're finally at a high school level."
"I am a genius afterall."
"Oh and you're modest too." I said,sarcastically
"Oh miss I'm just telling you the facts."

We sat on the velvety grass and we looked into each others eyes.I seemed to get lost in his hazel brown eyes. It was like I was in a haze.I felt like his eyes were my home away from home.I know maybe I don't seem to be making any sense,but that's what I felt.

"You're an amazing woman Opal."
"Yeah you tell me that everyday,Raphael."
"Thank you for being patient with me.Thank you for your assistance.Thank you for just being you.Wanna dance?"

Wait like what did he say?Dance?I couldn't dance to save my life.Well,actually I could only dance to hip-hop.Not waltzing.

He offered me his hand.
"We're not done with our lesson yet."
He took my hand and I immediately got up to my feet.Ug, no!Not a romantic moment.

"Dude there's no music here."
He pointed to my heart,well actaully my chest.
"It's in there."
"Raph,are you trying to be romantic?"
"Nah,I just thought of something fun we could do."
Liar.

I looked behind me.
"Come on Opal,our brains need to rest too."
"You sound like a high school student."
He laughed.
"Okay maybe I do,but just think about it."

He was talking too much,so I just decided to do it.Perhaps he'd keep quiet.Perhaps it could be interesting too.

"Fine then,I'll do it just to keep your mouth zipped up "
"Thank you." he said as he took my other hand.

"What dance are we going to do?"

"Just let your heart do what it wants to do."
So so corny.

He let go of my one hand and he spun me around.
"Woah." I said as I was quite certain that I was going to fall.
"Relax."he said calmly

He put his hands on my waist,just at the right place.At least he was a gentleman.I put my hands on his broad shoulders.

We swayed side to side.I just went with the flow,oblivious to the fact that there was no music.I looked deep into his eyes.Then he smiled and looked up to the sky.The sun shone on his caramel skin.He looked different.
He reminded me that there are good guys out there.I just didn't trust him though.He was too good;way too good to be true.I just didn't want to be left with a broken heart.I just hoped I was wrong.

I put my head on his shoulder.
He hummed.Then he sung,softly into my ear.It was John Legend's 'All of me'.I felt like his voice was massaging me.
I closed my eyes as I listened to his lovely,voice.He sounded like a tenor.
Was I dreaming?If I was,I didn't want to wake up.I wanted that moment to last forever.

We kept swaying side to side.Repeatedly.Still it didn't bore me.It enticed me.It overjoyed me.Calmed me.He felt so warm.He smelled so good.Like vanilla and a woody scent.Heavenly scent.

"Opal."
I lifted my head and looked at him in the eyes.
"Yes."
"This isn't as boring as you thought it would be,huh?"
"Maybe."
He laughed softly.

"You wanna know why you amaze me so much?"

"I've been waiting for an answer.Seemingly too long.Longer than enough."

"You amaze me,because you show me that I've got alot to learn.You are living evidence that God hasn't left me.That there's still hope for me.You have made such a great impact in my life,during a small space of time.You are so wonderful You're like a multicoloured precious stone.It's multiple colours make it so beautiful.An opal."

Was that what he thought of me.I have been hurt too much.I've made alot of mistakes.How could he love me?

"Raphael,I've-I've made so many mistakes.I've been broken alot of times.I just don't want all of this,you know.I-I don't know where I am Raphael,"
then I let go of his hands.
"I just can't okay.I can't!" I said as I ran away to a nearby tree,where I wept.

I fell down slowly.I touched the tough tree bark.I fell on the soft velvety grass,which I had grown to love.

How could I love him?
How could he love me?
Certainly it wasn't love,or was it?
He would just desert me and tell me that he doesn't love me,just like my father did to my mother.
He would just wake up one day and regret the moment he fell in love with me.

I looked at myself,using my mind.
I envisioned my lazy eye,my thick African curves and my imperfect upper body.
I envisioned all the mistakes I made in the past.
I saw all those who resented me,even when all I wanted to give them was love.

Love wasn't supposed to make me feel the way I did,was it?Love wasn't supposed to make me feel like I was having an internal war.
Or was it me?
Was it my insecurities?
Maybe Raphael loved me as I am?

He was so perfect.He looked like those men that fall in love with pretty faces.
I needed some healing.
Something I could only get from one person.
God.
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Prayer from a broken soul

I just got on my knees.
I just let go of it all.
All the confusion.
All the thoughts that tried to control me.
I had to fight back.

I closed my watery eyes and I looked above.

"Dear God, I know I don't do this quite often.Thats because I'm a sinner.I've made alot of mistakes.I've said things I shouldn't have said.And I ask for forgiveness.

Lord about Raphael.I'm so confused.
He's what I've always wanted and more,but now that my dream is standing right in front of me,I'm sacred.I'm scared that it won't last long.You know how much pain I've felt all this time.Trust me Lord I tried to keep my head high and pretend.I guess that was a sin too,because not only was I lying to the world and to myself,but I was lying to you.

I don't know alot, but I know that there's power in your name.I don't deserve your love,but I ask for one thing.If truly Raphael is sent by you,then show me a sign.
If I have a dream about him tonight.I'll know he's the one.

I'm a sinner,but I know you love me,because You sent Your Son to die for me.Just hear my prayer.

In the name of Jesus,I've prayed
Amen."

After letting my heart out to God,I felt relieved sort of like someone removed a splinter from my finger.
It was close to sundown.
I looked at the slightly pink clouds and I just felt tired.I then fell asleep.All the crying drained my energy.

I fell into nature's warm embrace as I felt the soft grass on my skin.

I let myself go with this one.
I felt like I was Opal.
I hope it helps somebody out there.
Remember that even if people may hate you,you're loved by someone greater.The King of Kings.
I'd rather be loved by a King than be loved by people.

love:n.m.m_revealed
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