Feelings

Johnny

All of the pain, all of the sorrow is just as bad as any other time. It hurts when the fists rain down on me, like hail, causing pain where they land; tears to blur my vision, but never letting them fall. It hurts that my biological family doesn't want me and only uses me as a punching bag, dishing out their slurred hateful words and their scarring hits. I can only try to protect myself, because I can't even fight back. But even trying doesn't help.

I want this pain to end; I want this sorrow to stop.

I want to be in caring arms - in the arms of the gang, my only and real family. The only family that I will accept to be truly mine forever. They will never hurt me. They will never make me sad. They will always try to protect me. They will always try to protect my bruised heart and broken soul.

I can get through this pain, knowing that at the end of it, there will be love and comfort. Knowing that there will always be the Gang to lift me up, I can get through anything.

I just have to hold out a little longer. A little more time is all I need until I can be safe.

Between all of the pain and the angry, slurred words, I drifted off into my own little world, trying to ignore reality - the truth to it all. I tried to think of happier times. Times when I was playing football with the Gang or watching movies with them. Or even when they cared for and healed my wounds, showing me a gentleness and loving affection that I've never known before I met them.

The Curtis house was my get-a-way. Somewhere that I didn't have to stay alert all the time. It was nice to not be on my guard every once in a while. It'll be nice to hear Two-Bit's jokes or see Soda's million dollar smile or hear Dally's rants about the courageous things he did or listen to Pony's wondering mind or hear Steve's bashful words towards Ponyboy or listen to Darry's commanding voice. Everyone in that household, everyone in the Gang was like a family to me. All of them were a breath of fresh air after being in Hell for too long. I love them all. That will never change. Never.

The blows stopped but the pain never ceased. It still racked my body, sending that horrible feeling throughout my body. I just laid there as more hateful words were spit from the lips of the Drunkard and he shoved one last kick into my ribs, causing me to cough and spit up a few more red drops. Blood.

It wasn't like I wasn't used to seeing my own blood. Hell, I've seen my own blood longer that I can remember. I practically spilled some every day. This pain was a feeling that I was accustomed to, too. I felt this pain in a physical sense, a mental sense and in a emotional sense. I was always getting beat up whether it was the Socs or the drunkard bastard for an excise of my old man. After some time of receiving this abuse, I started to believe the things that they said about me. Somehow all of this abuse had been clearly shown through my eyes -Ponyboy tells me this all the time- and it had been forever been imprinted on my heart. Although, just for a little while, I find relief of this pain when I'm with the Gang.

I wiped away the tears that brimmed my eyes, hating that the Old Bastard could get that much of a rise out of me. I wasn't feeling too hot but that wasn't going to stop me from walking down the street to the Curtis house.

Opening my window, I climbed out onto the tree outside, into the falling rain. The rough tree bark prevented me from slipping, thankfully. I didn't know how much more pain I could take if I fell from the tree. It was fairly high.

I jumped down into the grass, splashing mud everywhere. The force I put on my knees and ankles from jumping so high hurt but it wasn't going to restrict me from heading towards my goal, my safety zone away from my own house. The rain was stinging all of my wounds just as if it was salt, but I just plowed through it, gritting my teeth against the abuse the rain put on my body. I briskly walked, or more accurately limped, toward my best friend's house.

By the time I got there, I was tired and hurting. I collapsed, not even making it up the steps. I was glad to finally rest knowing that I was some-what safe. Well, at least more safer that at my own house or the streets. No one knew that I was here. I couldn't find the energy to make it up the last step and bang on the door.

I took off my shoe and threw it at the door. It hit the door with a "thump" before falling onto the porch. My arm and shoulder started hurting even more and I winched in pain. I heard the door opened and some yells. Well, at least someone knew of my existence. I drifted off into the sleep that I had been holding back for a long time. It was good to finally feel my eyelids shut and my state of mind relax a little bit. But I wished that I was awake. My slumber wasn't pleasant. It was a nightmare.

***

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-DMBW