Feelings

(8)

*Warning: Bad content/sexual*

Pony Boy

Later that night . . .

"Pony, why did you kill Johnny's dad by yourself? What made you think that you could do something like that?" Steve asked. Leave it to Steve to bring up something like that.

We were at the table eating pizza. All three boxes was getting sucked down, but the rest would be for lunch tomorrow. Everyone stopped eating for a second, waiting for me to answer.

I know that I wanted to tell what happened to me but I could bring myself to say it. So I lied. "I don't know. It just needed to get done and no one else was going to do something, so I did it." It wasn't a complete lie but still, it wasn't the full truth either.

I could see that they knew I was lying but they didn't say anything about it. I was thankful for that. . .

. . .But not for my dreams.

In the months that the hearing took place, I suffered more that Bob did when he died, but that was the whole idea.

Bob's friends found me the same day the world found out the outcome of the hearing. The murder of Bob was an act of self-defense and Johnny and I was let go, unharmed, by the law. But the Socs that were there that day thought otherwise.

While the Gang went home, Johnny and I walked around town, glad that the whole mess was over. Even as we walked, I could feel their eyes trailing us, boring holes in my backside. I could see that Johnny was nervous too. He also noticed them. "Johnny, go get the Gang."

I was so stupid to separate us, but at the time, I thought nothing of it.

"What about you?" Johnny's brown eyes were as cute as a little doe. They shined through his bangs. Johnny was my best friend. I don't think anyone could replace him. I wanted to protect my friend, even if that meant that I would have to be beaten into the ground for him to be unharmed.

But life doesn't work that way. I know that now.

"I'll distract them by running as fast as I can while you go get everyone. Then come and find me. Hurry."

"Ok." Obedient Johnny ran as fast as he could towards my house.

But I know now that he would never make it. His dad would find him on the way and taking him home, using him as a punching bag. That left me to defend for myself when the Socs caught up to me.

I ran into the alley besides Charlie's Bar, blindly, hoping to find a fence to hop over to delay these guys. I was already out of breath and my chest hurt.

I remember thinking to myself that I need to stop smoking so much.

Damn, It's a dead end, I thought to myself. I turned back around, hoping to zoom out of there before the Socs caught up, but I was too late. They were already at the end of the alleyway.

"Where do you think you're going, Greaser?" I didn't know from what mouth it came from, but I didn't care. These were Socs and Socs love to beat up Greasers like me.

I pulled out my only defense - a switchblade. I held it out like Tim Shepard does - out and away from myself, in a loose but firm grip. "Go back to wherever you came from or you'll get split. I've had enough of you pieces of white trash with expensive ass things," I said repeating the words I've said once before. I spit at them just like before. I was sick of these twisted-minded fucks.

I wish that I hadn't have done or said that because it just made them madder but of course I couldn't see that in the dim lighting of the alley.

With no fear of the switchblade in my hand, they charged at me - all four of them. It happened so fast.

Even though I am just dreaming, I could still feel all of the pain as they cut me with my own blade, and threw punches at my body, as they crumbled slurs at me with their alcohol chilled breath.

I could slowly feel myself fading as I laid on the cold concrete. There was too much blood coming out of me. My chest already felt like it was caving in when I was running, but now when one of the sat on me, it felt like it totally collapsed. I just laid there, trying to lay as still as possible to lessen the pain.

"Oh, no you don't. You are going to stay awake for every moment of this. This is payback for what you did to our boy."

The one on top of me stared at me for a while, looked back at his friends with a broad grin and then they started commenting on my looks.

"Doesn't he look like a girl?"

"He's so pretty."

"Do you think he'll feel like a girl?"

"What 'bout act like a girl?"

Hands touched me, in ways that felt so wrong. I couldn't even more to stop them; it was an unfair fight- four against one. They pulled of my clothes and threw them against the building wall. I couldn't even find the words to stop them, but in my mind, I was mentally screaming. There wasn't a place where their hands didn't touch me. They groped me as they pinned me down. I couldn't break free. There was no release on their tight grips. To me, what made it even more scary was that there was no faces to these attackers, only cold green eyes.

That why I hate guys with green eyes. Those types of guys have always hurt me.

"You like this, don't you, you little cock whore," The guy said as they abused me. They all called me names - names that are dirty - like slut, bitch, white trash. They kept asking me if I liked what they were doing to me. My mind, and body and heart had two different responses.

I tried crying out as they pushed inside me, hurt me but it only turned out to be choked screams. They took turns and silenced my whimpers with their lips and licked my tears away. I have never felt pain like this. My body hardened at their touches, but I didn't like it. I wanted it stop. I wanted to have control of my body again. This was wrong. It was all wrong.

I screamed and screamed, but no one heard me because it was all in my head. It was all in my head. No one was going to help me. No one was going to be there for me . . .

I was still screaming my lungs out when hands touched me. "Stop! Don't hurt me! Please!" I screamed and cried. The Socs were haunting me again. They were going to hurt me again. I curled up into a ball and held my hands up, trying to defend myself from their blows, but the hits never came.

"Pony, it's me, Soda. Your brother."

I looked up from my knees, but I could only see the darkness and several figures. Tears blurred my vision and I wiped them away, hoping to see better. Everyone was standing in my room with their weapons out. I could still feel myself trembling terrible, but I felt better knowing that it was them.

Soda reached out to me and I instantly flinched. He just ignored my reaction and swept me in his arms. I cried into Soda's shirt, scared out of my mind. I could still feel the Socs' dirty hands as they explored my body. I shivered even more just thinking about everything they did to me. Soda brushed my hair back and whispered soothing words in my ear. "It's ok, honey. No one's going to hurt you. It's alright." That was a lie. Someone was always going to hurt me. Just last week, someone hurt me. It was never ending.

"Is he going to be ok?" Darry asked.

"Yeah, just go back to bed."

"I'm sorry for waking you guys up," I mumbled into Soda's shirt.

"Don't worry about it. Just get some sleep," Darry said as he scooted everyone out of my room.

Soda laid down with me and held me, tightly against him. "What was your nightmare about?"

Sleep dazed me so much that the next morning, I couldn't even remember if I had told Soda what happened or I just fell asleep and left his question hanging, unanswered, in the warm summer air.

***

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-DMBW