Feelings

(7)

Pony Boy

It was good to see my family again. To be close to them. I was tired of keeping up this act and pushing everyone away but it was only to build a rep and harden myself for what I was going to do.

For the past few weeks, I got into fights, trained myself to be everything I wasn't - strong, bold, intimidating and daring. I got respect from the Shepards and their gang, the Brumley Boys, Bryon and Mark, and a few others.

Angela Shepard couldn't keep her hands off of me when I went over there. She makes me sick. She just goes around trying to get with guys and I just pretend that I don't know that she's had her eye out for me since forever. She's also on the prowl for Bryon.

Bryon and Mark are still in their routines - gambling - to keep up with their rent. They reminded me of Dally, in the sense that they didn't like earning money honestly. Or rather Mark reminded me of Dally. Mark did everything illegally except for looking out for Bryon just like Dallas does for Johnny.

Mark had golden locks like Dallas and has the same icy blue eyes. They hold their reps to be true; they are ruthless, tough and tuff, but they have a soft spot for a certain someone.

The Shepard boys - Tim and Curly - reminded me of Darry and I. They fight all of the time and yet, they have a strong brotherly connection. Tim and Curly won't let anyone touch the other brother. I guess that me and Darry haven't been like that lately because I've built this wall between us and it's not just us but also between me and everyone else. I feel horrible to do something like that just know of how much pain I caused everyone else. But I had to do what needed to be done. I hope that they can forgive me. I want them to forgive me.

I had just told the Gang what happened to Johnny's dad and had said that my best friend deserved better. Everyone's expressions were like Johnny's - happy. Tears brimmed everyone's eyes. I had finally let my emotions show. I was so tired of being bottled up and not letting any emotions show at all. Acting tuff and tough was hard. I don't know how most Greasers do it.

Everyone had came up to me except Darry. I stared at him as I released Johnny from my grasp. My oldest brother just stood there with tears running down face as he watched everyone a close distance away.

But to me, it was still too far away. My legs ran to him and I squeezed him as hard as I could, never wanting to let go. These past few weeks have been brutal for everyone, including me. Everything reminded me of my family and it was hard trying to restrain myself from turning back into a baby. "Darry, I missed you so much. I'm so sorry," I chocked out as my voice started to get thick with tears.

Darry held me just as tightly and cried, too. "It's ok, kiddo. Just don't even scare me like that again. You keep doing it to me. First it was Windrixville and now this. At this rate, I'm going to be six feet below soon," Darry said laughing through his tears. It was good to hear him laugh again. His laugh was rich and powerful and somehow hearing it, I felt as if I was finally home. I could tell that he was glad that I was back. Soda joined us in a brotherly hug which was soon joined by the rest of the Gang.

We were all together again, as a family. I had thought that I broke the barrier that I was separating me and everyone. Even though I did so, I still didn't feel whole. The Gang didn't know what happened during the months of the hearing for Bob's death. I felt as if this was just another barrier separating me from everyone else.

"Let's go home," Soda said, giving us that million dollar smile. "We can order out for pizza. I'll pay." Everyone cheered and started fooling around just like any other time.

"Wait!" I called out. Everyone stopped and stared at me, waiting for me to continue. "Johnny, would you like to say goodbye to you dad?"

"Hell, no. Good riddance to that Old Bastard," he stated, boldly.

It looks like this experience hasn't only given me new-found strength, but Johnny too. Everyone hollered at Johnny, making him blush. Everyone was surprised that quiet Johnny would say something like that, but everyone like his boldness. Sometimes change can be good and other times it can tear people apart.

***

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-DMBW