NOW WHAT?????

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N'Kaytri's  POV

He seemed broken as he sat on the floor; tears flowing from his eyes as he tried to calm his crying sister.

I felt his pain through his eyes. Not because i wanted to. But because I've been in the same situation. He was hurting. The kind of hurt that extends beyond words and emotions. The kind of hurt you just think won't go away so it drives you to the edge of insanity wondering if your life will ever make sense again.

"Are you talking about him or yourself now?" A voice in my head spoke.

I know the weekend is supposed to reveal all the wear and tear from during the week. But his face, his tear stained face was so void of emotion. I felt it from across the room. And i knew that there must've been a million things going through his mind.

It was Saturday when i saw him. So distraught. Someone his age shouldn't be hurting that much. No one at All should Hurt that much. Not even you.

"You hurt deep down," that same inner voice spoke again.

It was right. But my life went down the drain a long time ago. Like dish water.

But by now I've convinced myself that I'm fine. I know i am. All I've gotta do is keep my shit together. And learn from the many past experiences.

It took me a while to learn but the damage stands to this day. Long after the apologies have been said, the hurt remains. And that's a fact.

Matthew says he's alright. At least he thinks he is. That's what he told hin.
But i see past those words.

I've said them many times to myself as i stare at the mirror with tears streaming down my face.

I've said those words while my heart was screaming for help inside me.

I've said those words while hitting the wall and screaming.

I've said those words while screaming into my pillow in the middle of the night.

I've said those words while picking up a knife and contemplating if my life was worth it.

And I'm saying those words right now as I'm thinking these thoughts.

My mom and David will be home any minute along with My 3 younger siblings. David's my step dad. My Mom married him 2 years ago and that's when we moved to the richer more appealing side of town.

David's a big shot  Lawyer and businessman. He's worked on lots of hotels across the world.

He met my Mom at the court house when she was on her way to family court with my Dad.

That good for nothing ,bald headed, in need of  a beat down bastard!

Is there any adjective i did not use? Just start naming i won't mind.

My heart goes out to all the girls whose hearts have been broken by their Dads before any other guy had the chance to.

My Dad disowned me a couple of weeks before my 14 th birthday. I can't tell you there's hope. But i hope there's Hope for you.

The man i considered my hero , the one who should've been protecting me; was the same one to kick me to the curb like an empty soda can.
Just to avoid paying child support for my 2 brothers and i.

Then came along Kianna, my 5 year old sister , whose dad left too. My heart would sink every time she'd tell me how her friend's Daddy picked her up from school and she'd ask where her's was?

How did i answer that?

With the words ' whoever isn't here now won't matter ever again. I've got your back Kianna and I'll always be here'.

I've learned to expect the worse from people. If you know the bad, there ain't no surprise to see it show up.

But when you look for the good, things tend to shock you.

And there went the little hope i had. Now I'm just living come what may. I won't expect more than i should. Never again.

All i do is live my life like it's a fleeting second wondering WHAT NEXT?

Who else is gonna leave?
Who else is gonna show up?

Who else is gonna hurt?
And funny enough my name just seems to pop everytime that question is asked.

It hurts to wonder too.
But i always over think things so probably it's just a headache. But I've narrowed it down to the result of too many mystery movies and lifetime movie marathons.

It numbs the pain. Not for long though.

But i like the numb feeling. It drowns out all the memory that way i can try to forget and turn over a new page. But i still think 'what now?'

And honestly I've been trying to start writing again but all i see is empty pages in the story of my life.

I need to close a few chapters.

What now?
Now what?

I guess I'm screwed any ways.

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