dkla | ᴶᴴˢ × ᴷᴺᴶ

七

ㅡ ❝rags to riches, but I'm addicted to being broken.❞

ㅡ

To be honest, without Hoseok at his side all this time, he wouldn't have become who he was now. He wouldn't have gotten this far, never. It was all thanks to Hoseok that Namjoon was actually a living person, because in Namjoon's opinion Hoseok was who made him human. Maybe he physically was from the beginning, but he had never had felt like one until Hoseok had entered his life. Eventually before he had had his friends, he had had his music, but he had been working like a machine, acting like one. Hoseok had been the one who showed him love and the one who had given him some kind of a future to hold onto, a perspective. Namjoon's everything was thanks to Hoseok. And sometimes he thought about the fact that he had only been born because of Hoseok, being in fact a part of Hoseok's being. That may sound crazy, but it was just his reality. He couldn't live without Hoseok and without him he just felt like dying, falling apart and vanishing into the thin air.

He knew, as the individual he was, that he had to get better again in order to keep on working and being who he was supposed to be. After all Hoseok had made him what he's now and he never wanted to destroy that. Hoseok had been working hard on all this, even unintentionally, but still, Namjoon promised himself to not destroy himself, to not destroy what Hoseok had built. Neither would he ever allow himself to destroy all his work and accomplishments, well Hoseok's, nor would he allow himself to destroy what was left of him after Hoseok was gone. Because, in fact Hoseok wasn't gone. He had said so himself, he wanted to be friends with Namjoon and due to that he would never be gone for real. Namjoon realized that, but his heart wouldn't allow himself to hold onto that realization like he was supposed to. It was a constant fight of his mind and his heart. He knew he had to follow his mind, but it was so, so hard to convince his heart to at least tag along.

Of course it hurt, terribly, but he had to get better again. He was in desperate need of seeing the older male. He knew he would see him again, because after all they belonged to the same group of friends. There was no other way, they were bound to see each other again. But it was on them what they did with their feelings. Namjoon knew it would be hard, maybe even impossible to push his love for the older away, or at least lock it somewhere at the very back of his core, but he would try. He had to, because otherwise he wouldn't be able to face Hoseok every again, or his friends. He needed them, all of them. He needed to talk to them, no matter about what. He needed to feel their presence, it was essential to him like the air he breathed. He also needed his music, because that was the only way he was truly able to express what he was feeling. And he knew, even though Hoseok was gone he still could be his muse, because the hurt Namjoon felt was still awaking some passion inside of him. Eventually it felt different, but it was passion. And Namjoon could work with that, he had to.

He had to get up, do his work, meet his friends, meet Hoseok.

But to face the truth, that kind of passion that grew inside him now was addicting. Namjoon was addicted to the pain. He was addicted Hoseok and everything the older brought along with him. Hoseok was Namjoon's obsession and Namjoon was just so, so terribly addicted to the pain, the counterpart of Hoseok's love. He was addicted to being broken, because without Hoseok being with him, hurt was the only thing left to fuel his passion about music. He was addicted to being broken because of Hoseok. And if he couldn't have Hoseok, he would at least have the pain.

He knew he had to get out again, but he would never let go of that pain. Hoseok was his loved, Hoseok was his pain.