dkla | ᴶᴴˢ × ᴷᴺᴶ

八

ㅡ ❝you take my breath away, you know I'm bound to choke.❞

ㅡ

And after times passed by he thought he was okay, he really thought so. Well, he was wrong. Oh, so terribly wrong.

After about two weeks, or maybe longer, of completely shutting the world out of his life and staying in his bed all the time, he finally decided it was time to face reality. He didn't know if it was too soon. He didn't know if it was too late. He had been ignoring his friends, his work and who knows how people would react now that he was about to show himself to their eyes again. He had no idea who would be angry with him, who would be worried or whatever. He basically knew nothing. The only thing he was pretty sure of was that he just had to get better. He had promised it to himself before. 'For Hoseok.' He thought to himself as he was getting out of his bed. It felt like torture, it really did. His body was aching from not moving for hours and he instantly felt nauseous due to the sudden movements. Eventually he got up anyways, moving to the big mirror Hoseok had loved so much since one could see his whole frame in the reflection. Namjoon had always adored the way Hoseok would have been watching the world reflecting in the mirror, to Namjoon it had felt like Hoseok had been able to look into another world.

He took a look at his own reflection, only to notice that he was looking bad, really bad. He didn't recognize himself anymore and it honestly shocked him that the impact of Hoseok's absence would show so clearly on his body. He had lost weight, a whole lot of it. His skin looked dull and his hair was one big mess. He was in desperate need for a shower and for some food. He walked back to his bed, leaning down to grab his phone, which had been lying n the floor all this time, and finally decided to charge it. As he finished plugging his phone to the charger he decided to just take a shower and so he did. He enjoyed the feeling own the warm water running down his body, it felt like it was washing away his worries and he also felt fresh again. After showering he dried his body with a towel before he took another glance at his reflection. He still didn't look that much better and he blamed it on his still messy hair. He didn't know why he decided to do that, or actually when that thought even hit his mind, but he grabbed a scissor, brought it up to his hair and just cut it.

After cleaning up the mess he made by cutting his hair, he walked back into his bedroom to put on some fresh clothes. He took some time to choose his outfit, but eventually he decided to wear all black. He really liked wearing only black, he wasn't on good terms with colors anyways. After finishing putting on his clothes he walked over back to his bed, checking on his phone. He blinked a few times as he noticed the enormous amount on messaged and calls he had receiver throughout the few days. He checked up on a few of them, actually only on those his friends had sent him. He didn't need to be a genius to notice the worry in all the messages, but what worried him was that Hoseok had texted him as well several times, asking him if he was okay. Namjoon instantly regretted not answering his phone. He could have been in contact with Hoseok. He sighed heavily, pushing back the demand to just walk against a wall with his head first. How could he have been so stupid? Hoseok was worried about him, cared for him, still and what did he do? He was lying in bed instead of actually talking to the older. After all Hoseok had been the one suggesting staying friends. Namjoon really had to get better.

Som he decided to just text his friends, asking them if they wanna meet. He knew he would have to meet Hoseok as well. He graved for it anyways. He knew it would be painful to stay away from the older, to not just walk over to him, hug and kiss him like he used to do all the time. But as he already realized, he was addicted to the pain. He could do that. He could live with the pain.

ㅡ

Eventually he and his friends continued their old behavior of meeting each other several times throughout a week. They had been doing this for about another three weeks after Namjoon had finally decided to face reality again. During those three weeks he had to work really hard since the people at his work had been pretty pissed due to his behavior. But, he didn't really care, he just worked his ass off in order to not have to go home. He usually stayed at his studio all the time, only going back to his apartment whenever he really had to or whenever he had to get ready to meet his friends.

Today was one of those days he had to get back to his apartment, getting himself ready for going out with them, all seven of them. He knew he had to make it look like he was spending all his free time at his apartment since his friends were still worried about him and he never told them he was practically living at his studio, because his apartment was still filled with the memories he shared with Hoseok.

He drove back to his apartment, not caring about the traffic, not caring if he might get hit by another car while speeding over a junction at high speed. As he arrived he just got ready, waiting patiently for whoever would get him. However, he would have never thought that it would actually be Hoseok who was getting him that evening. As he opened the door he came face to face with an angel, who was looking right at him and once again he forgot how to breathe. It happened to him often, whenever he was looking at Hoseok. He was staring to forget his surroundings, forgetting on how to breathe properly and his heart would be starting to hurt again. Like back then he would put his hand on top of his chest, clutching his shirt tightly over the place where his heart was. Hoseok always watched him doing so, worry evident in his eyes as he pleaded Namjoon to just finally see a doctor about it. At one hand Namjoon wanted to coo at Hoseok for still caring so much, yet at the other hand he just wanted to tell him to leave him alone since Namjoon wasn't his problem anymore. But he didn't, neither of them. He just remained quiet, slightly nodding his head whenever Hoseok started to talk about his condition. Namjoon just didn't trust himself talking about it. Hoseok shouldn't know about the little package of pills he always kept with himself, hiding. Hoseok didn't have to know as well as anyone else. It was Namjoon's little secret and each of the pills was his friend.

And it didn't get any better throughout the night, just like all the nights they were meeting before. Of course he had fun with his friends, but each time he was looking at Hoseok he just couldn't breathe anymore. He started to feel drawn to the older, like he was the sun. Well, Hoseok was the sun and Namjoon just felt like one of the planets in the solar system, continuously drifting around the sun, never leaving its course. Because, without the sun he would just be drifting into darkness, nothingness, continuously and never stopping until he would eventually meet a dark hole that would be nice enough to swallow him whole at once.

For a while he thought spending time with everyone would help him, well, it did in terms of getting his mind off of his work, but not in terms of Hoseok. Hoseok was always there and Namjoon just couldn't get away. He needed to see the older, even if he couldn't touch him anymore though he way graving for it. 'I'm okay.' He told himself several times throughout all those nights.

And as time passed by, he kept watching Hoseok. He still smiled at all the beautiful smiles the older gifted everyone and he adored the way Hoseok was always so kind, caring for everyone. Namjoon found himself falling deeper and deeper for the older instead of wrapping up the problem with his feelings. He couldn't and he would never be able to. Though he still kept on telling himself that it was right the way it was. Hoseok was still there, was still his friend and Namjoon just wanted the older to be happy forever. If Hoseok couldn't be happy with him then that was okay. Namjoon obviously wasn't the right one for the older and he wouldn't be the one standing in his way of finding what made him happy. No, he would help him, no matter if it would him deep inside, eventually killing him and what was left.

Namjoon would never stop loving Hoseok. Hoseok was his passion, his obsession and his addiction. And he was okay with that. He would never want to change it, because if it wasn't Hoseok then there would never be anyone else.