dkla | ᴶᴴˢ × ᴷᴺᴶ

五

ㅡ ❝I starve my heart of touch and time.❞

ㅡ

He had no idea how much time passed by. He didn't know if it had been days or already week, he didn't even care. He lost track of time as he was staying in his bed, his phone shut off and no other possibility to check on time left in his bedroom. The clock that used to stand on the table next to his bed lay somewhere in the corner of his bedroom, shattered into pieces due to the impact of it hitting the wall. Namjoon had thrown the clock at the wall on the opposite site of the room because he couldn't bear watching the time passing by, time he couldn't spend with Hoseok. He didn't care how much time passed by because the pain within would subside the slightest bit.

He did eat, he had to or else he would die. He couldn't bear the thought of dying alone, leaving a world in which Hoseok still breathed. Sometimes the thought of dying wasn't so bad, he thought about the fact that he wouldn't be hurting anymore. But, he had always been one to love life, even if he couldn't spend his days working on music. But usually Hoseok then would have been at his side. Hoseok. The slightly older male was on his mind 24/7. There was no way around thinking about the older since every thought, everything he looked at reminded him of him.

He deeply regretted not being there for Hoseok when he had needed his reassuring words. He regretted spending his time working for people that only saw the profit behind his work and not the things he had to give up for them. He should have spent all this time being at Hoseok's side, cuddling him, kissing him, telling him that he loved him and that he was the only important thing in his life.

Sometimes he found himself hoping for the other to just walk through his bedroom door, laying down beside him and kissing his temples as he usually had. But then again, the key Hoseok had left behind with the letter reminded him that the older wasn't coming back. He graved for Hoseok's touch, graved for the other's body's warmth. He felt constantly cold even though he was covered by about four blankets. He needed Hoseok like the air to breathe.

Of course, he could have called one of his friends, talked to them and just spend his time with one of them in order to get his mind off of Hoseok and the pain in his chest. But, he couldn't be with anyone, couldn't bear anyone's presence near him that wasn't Hoseok and the warmth he emitted.

And so he lost himself in his wishes and dreams, dreams where he was still together with Hoseok. He didn't care about time. He didn't care about his friends or his work. All he cared for was a world in which Hoseok would be there beside him, maybe sleeping peacefully so Namjoon could watch him and smile as the older would pout cutely in his sleep. He needed a world in which warmth and love had never left him and in which he had never agreed to that stupid working arrangement. And if he needed to make that world up in his mind, he'd gladly do so in order to at least feel happy in his dreams.