And after weeks passed by, Yoongi was the only one who actually knew about the secret he was hiding from anyone. Yoongi was the only one who knew the whole story and what Namjoon was about to do. In fact, Namjoon indeed was sick, but he refused to take treatment as he figured there was no reason to, and wasting the money for something that probably wouldn't even work wasn't what he had in his mind. Yoongi often tried to talk him into taking the treatment, but Namjoon never even paid Yoongi's words any attention. Yoongi indeed was sure Hoseok would have been able to make his best friend taking the treatment, but he had been forced, by Namjoon, to never talk about it to anyone.
To be honest, Yoongi had his own problems as Jimin was acting as if nothing happened, literally. As if they never happened. He acted like they had always been best friends around Yoongi and it hurt the older to a level beyond imagination. Namjoon saw that, watched it and found himself unable to help any of them at all. Up until now he had never gotten to know what their breakup had been about, and he wasn't one to ask them. He wouldn't force any of them to tell him. He just wished they wouldn't be as foolish as he himself and actually talk to each other.
He sometimes thought about the possibility that Hoseok was actually wishing for him to come talk to him. But then again, why would Hoseok want that? He broke it off, so why would Namjoon be allowed to make that step? And after all, Namjoon had promised to not bother the slightly older any longer. He would make the best out of his life and dedicate it to Hoseok.
At this point, he actually even grew egoistic. He had thought about sparing his friends the pain of him being gone. But, nowadays something was just there that made him feel like they deserved it, even though they clearly didn't. He wanted them to feel the pain of somebody be gone. They didn't understand, well maybe beside Yoongi and Jimin, and he was just selfish enough to make them experience it, make them feel at least partly what he felt like ever since Hoseok left him. But, then again, Hoseok had been the love of his life. Namjoon wasn't the love of his friends' lives, but at least he was a beloved friend, so it would hurt too.
However, he did feel bad. He knew he was being so, so selfish and he felt really bad because of that. However, he had now reached that point where he was constantly asking himself: 'what do I do now'? He honestly didn't know what he was supposed to do. It had also gotten to the point where he would be hurting whenever Hoseok was in the same room as him. He was always constantly remembered of him and Hoseok being together, sharing their love and how Hoseok had been caring for him, with that worried expression, as he would feel that stinging feeling above his heart. Basically he wasn't even able anymore to stay in the same room with Hoseok anymore. And each time he had to, he was more lost than all this time before. Maybe it was because his time was running up, and due to that he just wanted to make up with Hoseok and just at least talk with the older for once about everything? That was probably the best thing to do. Then they would be able to get rid of all the misunderstandings and those things that kept them apart. But, did Hoseok want to do so too? Namjoon didn't know. He didn't know what to do at all, and so he just kept on hurting himself.
During night it was still the same, he kept lying awake on his bed, thinking about Hoseok and how he graved for him to be there more than ever. His grandpa's words kept echoing through his mind, kept reminding him that he would never be able to let go of Hoseok. But, maybe he wouldn't have to? Maybe he just had to give in to the pain and face his end? Was he being overly dramatic? He didn't know, he didn't even want to know. However, to him death seemed like a pleasant way out of all of this. He wouldn't have to ask himself on what to do next anymore.
He remembered the day he had visited his doctor, letting him check up on him. He never wanted to see a doctor, but the pain had gotten worse by the day. And to be honest, he had hoped he would get some medicine that would make him forget if he took too much of it. He really hoped so. Well, what he hadn't expected was his doctor telling him that one of his heart valves wasn't working right anymore, causing all the pain. The doctor had warned him that he would absolutely have to take the treatment in order to have a chance of living. It was a pretty bad defect and the fact that he had been living till today was actually pretty surprising. However, there were some aspects that actually kept him from just letting himself be cured. Hoseok was one of those reasons. If he would die, he wouldn't have to think about Hoseok anymore, wouldn't have to love and grave for the older anymore. Added to that, one could add his suppressed slight dead wish ever since he was a teenager. Another main reason was the fact that his heart, or his body as a whole, was already so influenced by that stupid little valve in his heart that there was actually the chance that he wouldn't make it through the operation.
So, to sum it up, death looked like the easiest way out of all this. However, he didn't like to admit it, but he was afraid what would come after. He was afraid of dying without having Hoseok by his side. Hell, he couldn't even cope with the simple thought of leaving a world that was brightened just by Hoseok's mere existence. He didn't want to leave a world that contained so many people that were so overly important to him even though he started to think about hurting them. He was afraid of dying. He wanted to live, but was there a point in living?
He didn't know what to do and so he kept on thinking: 'so what do I do now'?
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