dkla | ᴶᴴˢ × ᴷᴺᴶ

九

ㅡ ❝when I close my eyes, I still see your ghost.❞

ㅡ

And again he did the same mistake, he thought he was okay, that he was finally getting better and after days and weeks finally getting a grip upon himself. He thought so. He was wrong. Because after yet another night he spent out with his group of friends he was falling back into that hole that was built of nothing more than darkness, regret and the sadness that stung ones hurt and tore it apart. Who often had he already told himself he would get better? How many times had he gotten up from bed, going out and facing reality just to be able to tell himself that he was moving one? So effin' many times he wasn't even able to count anymore. Not only that he told himself those sentences once a day, no multiple times a day. Each time he was enough of a fool to believe his own words, but at the end of the day he always remembered that he was wrong to do so in the first place.

Maybe it wasn't good for him to spend so much time with his friends after all. Maybe he should keep some more distance to them until he would be sure he moved on. But was it even possible? He knew he wouldn't be able to distance himself from them. He was afraid of one day losing them, and that was something he couldn't risk. Not only due to the fact that they were now his only connection left to Hoseok, but also because he loved each of them more than his life. He would give up his life for each of them and walk straight through hell. No questions needed. He needed his friends, but what he needed the most was Hoseok like the air he breathed.

Only now he understood why all the people told him that it wasn't right for him to have such an obsession with Hoseok. Only now he knew they had been right all the time, because now he was feeling the impact of the lost. Hoseok had always been his obsession and his passion, he had declared that so, so many times. He had never thought that there would be a time he would regret it, but he did, now. Well, at least the pain stuck with him. Now more officially than before since he had just returned from his doctor's clinic. He couldn't even blame Hoseok or his decision to leave him. Even due to the results he couldn't think about the older less, or love him less, at least. No, quite the contrary.

Every single time he closed his eyes he would see Hoseok in front of him, as if a portrait of the older had been imprinted onto his inner eyelids. Hoseok was everywhere, no matter if he had his eyes open, all the things around him remembering him of the older, or closed as he would stare right at the beautiful man with the even more beautiful smile imprinted onto his eyes. He was sick. He was in pain, but it kept him going. When love was gone, one had to work with the pain. At least that's what he told himself.

He was now lying in his bed in his apartment. It was weird. He had actually decided to go home to his apartment after the visit at the doctor's place rather than going back to his studio. Well, who was he kidding? He was afraid, he was shook to the core and he felt so terribly lost. He needed something, someone. He needed Hoseok. He needed Hoseok, his embrace, his reassuring words and the feeling of love Hoseok had always gifted him. Hoseok was who he needed. With Hoseok everything would be fine. With Hoseok he would be able to walk right through this without any big trouble, but here he was, lying in his bed as he was losing himself in an imagination of Hoseok being right beside him, caressing his hair. Oddly, it worked. He was surprised about it by himself.

For the first time in weeks he allowed a tear to leave his eyes. For the first time he allowed himself to actually be afraid of the pain and of being alone. He was a fool, a big one. He could just stand up, go to Hoseok and talk to him. Hoseok had always been an understanding person, someone who would listen before he would judge anyone. He was pretty sure with time he would be able to win Hoseok's heart back. But, would it be right to do so? Hoseok had left him because he was hurt as well, because he couldn't deal with the simple thought of Namjoon ever leaving him, so what would it do when it would actually happen? Not in the way Hoseok always imagined, but in a different way, one that eventually would even more hurt. He was sure it would hurt him as 'friends' to, but maybe Hoseok obviously Hoseok was moving on as Namjoon knew Hoseok wasn't graving for him the same way he did for Hoseok. Maybe it was right this way. It would save a lot of tears, and a lot of pain. Namjoon then promised himself to keep Hoseok from the pain, but, a rather egoistic part of Namjoon, just wanted Hoseok to himself, not able to let go of the love he held for the older. Namjoon would never move on, he would never let go. He was okay with that.

He would just watch Hoseok's smile imprinted on his eyelids. Would allow himself to love the older in his memories and imaginations. And during daytime he would just allow the pain to act as his passion as love didn't feel different anymore.