Guilt (Shizuo X Izaya)

Chapter 12: What Do You Think About Me?

Izaya POV

I think back to my high school days.

My life hasn't changed too much since then; same old tricks and fun. Same old life being hated and loved and then hated again, the life that I'm just so used to. I think back to the girls who confessed to me every other day when I first entered the school. The first week my shoe locker was filled with letter. The second, less. And by the time the third week ended, nothing. No one met my gaze, but no one glared either. No one approached me but no one blatantly ignored me either.

It dawned on me that I had no presence anymore. I no longer had the new kid aura. The girls that said they loved me gave up within days; good riddance, that's what I said. They never loved me from the start. That was okay; I never loved them either.

I listen to Nakura's words, unable to move, his voice muffled by invisible cotton balls. My ears are ringing, my cheek burning for a reason I can't pinpoint. I can't see his face because of the dark, but I know Shizuo is there, too. I felt his warmth when he carried me, the familiar strength of his back that he's used while fighting me for so long. The back that I eventually grew to love, the monster that I hated and couldn't control. His individuality was foreign to me, so special and unique.

"It happened five years ago," Nakura says, a far-away tone to his voice. "We were still in high school. I wasn't in a very good place there as were many others, but I'll be the first to admit that I didn't take it as well as some people."

"I began hanging out in clubs on the weekend, gambling, smoking, drinking, flirting. I began doing it every other day; my life was a rush," he continued. "My parents though, they didn't know what I was doing."

I don't want to listen anymore, I remember this story, hell I remember Nakura more than any other human. It isn't so much guilt as it is unsettling or life-changing or uncomfortable. But I can't move. I can't leave. I can't even bring myself to concentrate on anything else; not the buzzing in my ears or knowing that Shizuo is gonna hear everything. Nakura's voice is just as chilling as it was back then.

"One day I met Izaya," he says, a smidge of distaste sliding into the sentence. "He was a cocky bastard, so smug. And so handsome."

I feel him touch my cheek and I want to vomit.

"Bastard..." Shizuo mutters under his breath.

"It's true; he's unnaturally attractive. None too many can say the same for me, not everyone was born pretty like this one. It's too bad he had to turn out the way he did. Anyway, he told me he knew what I was doing and tricked me into doing what he wanted.

True; but it was your fault that you fell for it and I never told you that you had to do it.

"Usually it was a daily task like buy him bread or cover for his absences when he went out, who knows where. But one day my gambling cost me a lot of money. I knew that Izaya had a lot of money so I went to him. I told him I would do whatever he wanted if he could just get me the money...he's like some sort of genie. He can grant your wish but who knows how he'll take what you say."

"What did he do?" I hear Shizuo ask genuinely and a sharp twinge of sorrow pokes into me.

"He got it from my parents..." Nakura says angrily. "He knew about a debt they owed and demanded they pay it soon, but he could cut the price in half for him. My parents fell for it and gave him the money, believing that they didn't have to pay their debt. But when the real loan sharks came around...they were forced to pay the full amount no exception..."

A cold silence followed. It sounded like no one was even breathing and the air was tense.

"After that, my dad left and my mom committed suicide. My older sister is working so hard for me and I had to give all the money I got to the man I lost the money to. And guess who that person was?"

I see him turns towards me and mentally, I flinch.

"This monster started it all. And I need to repay the favor."