Strings Attached

Chapter 25

"What's that?" Castiel asks later that day, eyeing the thing someone brought at some point in time. He doesn't really remember.

"What's what?" Dean asks.

"That."

"Very descriptive," Lucifer says sarcastically. "Ten out of ten IGN."

"What's what?" Dean asks again, ignoring Lucifer's remark. The three of them are the only ones here at the moment. Everyone else is eating.

"That!" Castiel repeats. "The thing you're holding!"

Dean holds it up slightly. "My guitar?"

"I don't know," Castiel replies. "If I knew, I wouldn't be asking."

Dean chuckles, but it seems sort of sad. "Yeah, I suppose that's true." He puts the supposed guitar in his lap again, putting his fingers on the strings, and playing a song that Castiel doesn't recognize.

"You better be singing along," Lucifer warns him. "This is some good shit."

"I thought country was the good shit," Dean reminds him.

"They're both good shit."

"Sure, whatever," Dean replies before singing, "I close my eyes, only for a moment and the moment's gone. All my dreams pass before my eyes, a curiosity. Dust in the wind. All we are is dust in the wind."

"What's that?" Castiel asks.

"What?" Dean asks, no longer singing but still playing the guitar.

"The song," Castiel clarifies. "What song is that?"

"You don't remember it?"

"Nope," Castiel replies. "Why? It's just a song. And a very depressing one, too. Why do you care?"

Dean shakes his head, putting a hand over the strings to stop them from vibrating. "Never mind."

"Okay," Castiel replies. "You should play something else. Something fun. Like... Like Tim McGraw."

"What?" Dean says in disgust. "Tim McGraw? You have got to be kidding me."

"Do you not like Tim McGraw?" Castiel asks, puzzled.

"No, I don't," Dean replies. "And neither do you."

"But I do like Tim McGraw."

Lucifer laughs. "Sorry, Dean, but looks like you're the only one left on the rock side."

"Shut up," Dean snaps.

"Don't say that," Castiel scolds him. "That's mean."

"Oh, sorry," Dean says, but he doesn't sound sorry. "I wish your arm wasn't in a sling like that. You could play us a song instead."

"I don't — I don't know how to use this thing. I've never seen it before in my life."

And, just like every time he says this, he sees that it makes someone sad. Every single time he can't remember anything, he disappoints these people, and it's not fair to them that they're stuck waiting on Amnesia Case-tiel to remember everything. He just can't.

Before he knows it, he's crying. He isn't sure why, exactly, but he is. This just sucks.

"Hey, it's okay, Cas," Dean coos, walking up to his bed and be closer. "It's okay, Cas. What wrong?"

"I just... I don't know! I don't know any of this and I'm trying to figure it out but I can't but I want to because I feel like I'm letting everyone down when I can't."

"No! No, you're not letting anyone down!" Dean assures him. "We're proud of you for remembering what you do know. Okay? We aren't going to be mad if you don't remember everything. Just relax, Cas, okay?"

"Okay," Castiel says softly, looking up at the boy. He smiles slightly. "You have pretty eyes."

Dean chuckles. "Thanks."

But those eyes... What is it about them... Suddenly, another memory is thrust on him.

~~

He was younger, but not by much. He was just a freshman. It was the beginning of the year, and he knew he wasn't going to be making friends. He never had, and he knew never would. But that didn't stop him from watching people, thinking about who he'd like to be friends with.

He had his eye on one person in particular. One boy on the football team. Winchester, his jersey read when Castiel saw him at practice. There was something about him that had caught Castiel's eye and never let go.

Maybe it was his muscles, which bulged under his jersey. Maybe it was his hair, how the casual mess that rested under his helmet looked when he took it off. Maybe it was his eyes, a shade of green beyond description. Something about him made Castiel want him, and he didn't know why.

He was two years older than Castiel; a junior already. Castiel learned that much from eavesdropping. People didn't know a lot about him, only that he had a brother that he adored, who was even younger than Castiel at the time. But they did know that he was an absolute hottie, and, unfortunately, that he had a girlfriend. Lisa.

Castiel didn't know this girl. He never would. But he was jealous anyway. To be able to date Dean Winchester, of all people, must have been amazing. She was the envy of the school.

Castiel would find himself daydreaming about the boy, wishing he would break up with this Lisa girl and go out with him. He didn't care how rude it sounded. He wanted it.

But it all changed when another boy came up to him. Crowley. It didn't take long for Castiel to forget about Dean. After the first few days, Castiel knew he wanted Crowley. And then, to Castiel's absolute amazement, he was asked out, and by Crowley, king of the football team, no less! He accepted in a heartbeat. There was no way he was passing up a date with this boy. He was just too perfect. He was kind, he was athletic, he was hot. He was... Everything.

And then, a week or so later, the incredible happened. Again. It was in the park on a date, during the middle of a nice, warm, Sunday afternoon. Crowley kissed him. No warning, just pressed their lips together. Obviously, Castiel kissed him back.

He thought everything was going great. He had a boyfriend! How did that even happen? He was the luckiest boy alive at the time. But it all changed when Crowley pulled away, his smirk telling Castiel there was something very, very wrong.

And then the laughing. The entire football team was standing nearby, taking pictures and videos, capturing the moment. It broke his heart, seeing that. He had begun to grow close to the team, or so he thought. But there they were, the entire team laughing at him for believing that someone could really care about him.

It was that moment that changed everything for him. He realized he couldn't believe anything anyone said. Trust is a dangerous road, and not one he wanted to travel again. He knew it could end beautifully, finding true love and forming the perfect life, but it could also end in disaster, and that was not a risk he was willing to take.

And, from that moment on, Castiel stopped trusting anyone. He stopped talking to anyone at school, not that they could talk to him without laughing anyway after word of what happened got around. He even stopped talking to his family.

They all thought it was heartbreak, and to a point, they were right. His heart did break. But it wasn't because of the pain of losing Crowley. Castiel realized he never cared, and the loss wasn't too great on him. It was the fact that Crowley played with his heart like that. He took it, used it, and threw it on the ground when he was done with it. That's what hurt Castiel, and that's what made Castiel decide he would never fall into the trap of trust again.