Strings Attached

Chapter 31

Sam and Dean show up around dinner time, dinner being pizza because no one feels like cooking. Chuck still isn't home, which is annoying because Castiel hasn't had the chance to ask him about his hospital visit, but he'll survive until Chuck gets home. Until then, he has Dean to keep him company.

"Sam and I are going upstairs," Gabriel announces before dragging Sam away.

Castiel doesn't even have time to tell them to keep it down because Michael is studying up there. It probably wouldn't be any better downstairs; Samandriel and Anna are both doing homework and Lucifer is finishing rewatching Sherlock again, and he gets very overprotective about his tv time.

"So," Dean says after their brothers disappear. "Whatcha wanna do?"

"I don't know," Castiel replies. "Preferably something that doesn't involve a lot of moving."

"Makes sense," Dean agrees.

"Can you guys do my math homework for me?" Samandriel asks hopefully.

"No," Dean replies immediately, then adds, "but if you need help, I'm sure we can help."

For the next twenty minutes, they help Samandriel and Anna do homework. Finally, Lucifer gets them pizza, and Castiel takes a piece gratefully. Even just doing algebra one is hard for him, because he has to remember how to do it. He's guessing it's a side effect of the amnesia, but it could theoretically be due to the long time between when he took the class and now.

"Is someone gonna go get Sam and Gabriel?" Anna asks.

"Yeah, someone should," Lucifer agrees. "Hey, Anna, go get Sam and Gabriel."

Anna rolls her eyes but does it anyway, and soon, everyone is sitting around the table.

"Where have you been, Mike?" Lucifer asks him curiously.

"Studying," he replies. "Not all of us can just memorize the Bee Movie and call it a day."

"Well, you should," Lucifer replies. "It's way more fun."

"What's the Bee Movie?" Castiel asks, curiosity getting the better of him.

"I can't believe you forgot that! It's only the most important thing in our lives!" Lucifer jokes. "Nah, just kidding. It's something I like annoying people with."

"Drop the subject now," Sam stage whispers. "Before someone starts reciting it."

"Hey, good idea!" Lucifer replies. "Maybe this'll remind you! 'According to all known laws of aviation...'"

Where has Castiel heard this before? He knows he has. Was it... It was a hospital. Yeah, Lucifer recited the entire script from memory because Castiel refused to talk to him. Why wasn't Castiel talking to him? It was more than his usual near silence. He didn't want to talk to anyone for a reason. What was it? It's right there, he just can't remember it.

He did something, something he was ashamed of and didn't want to see their reactions. What did he do? He... He... Suddenly, it comes back to him, and he freezes, his face becoming pale. No. No, he wouldn't.

"What's wrong, Castiel?" Lucifer asks, stopping his rendition of the Bee Movie when he sees Castiel's expression. "Don't you like the movie?" When he realizes this isn't a joke to Castiel, he asks in a more serious way, "Hey, Castiel, what's up?"

Castiel meets his gaze, unsure if he'll get a straight answer from the boy and wanting to see his reaction to gauge how truthful it is.

"Did — did I try to kill myself?" Castiel asks.

Suddenly, any fun that was present at the table disappears. He doesn't have to wait for an answer. He knows by their reactions that he did.

"Do — do you know why?" Castiel asks softly, looking down at his hands. "I don't — I don't remember."

It's Gabriel that answers. "No one does. You never told us. But if I had to take a guess, I'd say it was because of Crowley, Azazel, and Alastair."

Castiel thinks about this for a moment. "No. No, there was more. I put up with them for a long time. There had to be something else."

But when he looks up, he remembers exactly what it was. It was this. It was their sympathetic expressions, which he's seen so much. He got sick of that, sick of school, sick of everything, and he just tried to end it.

"Wow," Castiel says softly, looking at his hands again. His arm without the cast catches his eye. Those cuts and scratches, always hidden under a sleeve, those aren't from whatever sent him to the hospital.

No, some of them are. He remembers that. He remembers nails scraping across his arm, usually by accident, but it was never apologized for. Whoever that was wanted to hurt him. But who was it? Castiel can almost see their faces, but it's not enough. He searches his memories, begging his brain to let him see who did that to him.

But Castiel can figure it out, and when he does, he's surprised he hasn't before. It was Crowley, Alastair, and Azazel. But why? They were never that mean to him. They may have hurt him before, but never like that.

Because of Gabriel. Because Gabriel realized how bad things were getting, and he tried to talk to them. They found him, and they almost killed him. They probably got closer to that than he did himself. And it was all because Castiel couldn't hide it well enough.

Castiel rests his head in his hand. How could he let that happen? He should have tried harder to get Gabriel to stop. He should have made sure no one cared enough about him to try to stop it. He should have tried harder to kill himself, and this never would have been an issue.

"Are you okay, Cas?" Dean asks.

"Yeah," he lies. He isn't okay. Not at all. Dean and Gabriel were right. It would have been better if he didn't know.

"Are you sure?" Dean asks. "Because you don't look it."

"I'm fine," Castiel replies.

"If —"

"I'm fine," Castiel repeats coldly. "So stop asking."

"Alright," Dean agrees, and Castiel can hear the hurt in his voice.

He doesn't care. He keeps telling himself he'll stop making connections, and this time, he means it. He will get Dean to hate him, one way or another.