Beneathe the Surface

Melting

February First

Itd been a while since Id talked to my dad, but I didnt miss him. I avoided July for the most part and I kind of missed her, but Heck.I hadnt talked to him since the party and I really missed him. I missed everything from his warm smile to his warm eyes. I almost missed him so much that I couldnt sleep without thinking about him first. I almost called him a million times, but to say what? Hey, Im sorry I pushed you away but I need you now, or, Im sorry things cant be the way you want but I need to hold you for at least five minutes and then let you go again. Not gonna happen. I dont think I can put either one of us through that.

So now Im sitting here staring at my phone and trying to will myself not to pick it up.

Just do it. Cass says as she looks up from her magazine.

Do what? I ask still staring at the phone with a glare.

Call him, how bad can it be to just talk to him? I've been sitting here watching you stare at that damn thing for days. I role my eyes and push my phone to the side. You are so darn stubborn. She rolls over and snatches my phone. I struggle to get it back, but she just sits on me.

Cassie! I yell.

Hello. She says when a familiar voice picks up the phone. Its on speaker. My heart nearly stops beating and I stop the screaming and flailing of the arms and legs I was doing.

Holly? He asks with a confused yet hopeful voice. It almost makes me cry.

Its actually Cassie, but I am calling on behalf of Holly. Shes in the shower right now, but I thought Id call you since shes so miserable without you. I frown.

No, she doesnt need me. He says with defeat in his voice.

Your just going to give up? She asks him sternly. I flinch at her words.

What else can I do when she wants nothing to do with me? He asks quietly. She doesnt get that Id do anything to make her pain go away. I know she needs some help and some guidance and Ill be there to give her whatever she needs, but not if she doesnt want me there. He sighs. Theres no point. Look, thanks, but I have to go. I panic and I hear someone call his name. I look up in shock and realize that it wasnt Cass. It was me. I gulp and grab the phone out of her shocked hand. Holly? He asks in a breathless voice.

I miss you. I sigh with relief. I thought I was going to burst if I didnt tell him that. I really miss you.

I miss you to.

I need you. I say blinking back tears.

Want me to come over? He asks with a bit of something I cant quiet place in his voice.

Yes, please. Then I hang up. I drop my phone on the ground and close my eyes.

You did good kid, now Im gonna go since you have a date to get ready for. She winks and gets up to leave while I sit there in shock.

Why did I just do that? He sounds so genuine, I think to myself. Thought after thought runs through my mind and I cant help but think that maybe everything my mother told me was bull shit, maybe the people around me do love me and maybe, just maybe she was the one who had way more flaws than me. I can be special to more people than just her. Even though her opinion mattered most to me once upon a time its not the only one that counts, not even a little.

When Heck gets there Im on my balcony thinking about what my life could be like if things werent so screwed. Mainly if I wasnt so screwed and messy. If my mom wasnt a drunk, would she still be alive. If my dad wasnt such an ass would he pay me more attention? Would I be more open with the people around me. Would I be happier and more outgoing. Who knows because I cant change any of those facts because I cant go back in time.