Beneathe the Surface

Back to December

December

So when they woke up I was still there and after that night I was still there. I couldn't leave. No matter how many times I'd packed a bag. They had July check on me all night, but I wasn't going anywhere. No matter how badly I wanted to I wasn't. In some small way I felt like my parents needed me. Maybe one more than the other, or maybe I was just crazy and they didn't need me at all. Maybe even after everything they've put me through I was the one that still needed them. I know a part of me needed to know my mother was safe and that my father didn't leave her alone to deal with herself. They are my parents and there's this attachment that I just can't shake with them. No matter how badly I wanted to.

I wish that my mom wasn't a drunk and that my dad didn't sleep around, but like I said wishes are just wishes. They don't come true and they don't just happen. If you want something to happen you have to make it happen, you can't just wish for it and then hope it'll fall into your lap. I use to wish all the time. The only time my wishes came true were around Christmas. Then I found out it was just my parents. Then no wishes came true at all ever again.

You know there was actually a time where my mother and father were happy and they thought I was the best gift they could have ever asked for. I was their wish, their hopes and their dreams were all wrapped up in me. They were all for me. I remember one time I was getting ready for bed and my mother told me a story about a beautiful princess who lived in a castle called Manhattan. I knew it was about me, but I loved to hear it. Along the way I'd start the story with her.

Once upon a time. There was a

Beautiful princess. With blonde hair

Blue eyes and she was the

Fairest of all.

She'd switch the middle parts every night, but that's the part I remembered night after night. I was a princess in my perfect Manhattan castle and I was the fairest of them all. I was fair like my mother.

I use to love being like her. I'd dress up in her clothes and ruin my face with makeup. I thought I was her because I looked like her. I was a regular toddler in tiaras. She loved that, until she started drinking and she stopped loving everything. I guess along the way at some point I began to question whether we mattered, then I began to wondered if I mattered. To her and then eventually to anyone.

It's probably the worst thing. You know for a child to think her mother doesn't love her, but all being drunk is, is telling the truth and that's all my mother does. Ever. She tells me what I'm not and not what I am. All she does is judge.

I end up sitting in the library again, but this time I sleep. I haven't been sleeping well lately. It's been about two months and a day that Heck and I have been friends and we already turned in our projects a while ago. His board was very creative. It described me in a simple and complicated way at the same time. I can't explain. It was just me.

I open my eyes to someone tapping me. I sit up and rub my eyes. I cover my mouth and yawn.

"Yeah." I say in a groggy voice.

"Didn't get much sleep last night." I smile at Heck. "Hey sleepy head. I was wondering if after school we could go explore New York a little. Grab something to eat, you can shop. I don't know. Get out a little." I give him a smile that says I'm not sure. "It's just that you've been a little distracted lately and you don't tell me much about your home life, not really, but I would like to help cheer you up."

"I just haven't been sleeping well lately. Lot on my mind. That's all."

"Please come out with me." I bite my lip. "Please."