Darling, You'll Be Okay

Chapter 1- I Tried So Hard to Convince Myself It's Okay That I Feel This Way

Kellin's POV

I heard the sound of the TV playing before I even entered the house, so I knew Gerard was home. My heart began to beat rapidly as I fumbled for my keys, switching the plastic bag from the shopping I had just done from one hand to the other. Gerard and I had been dating for around a year, and as far as the rest of the world could tell it was going quite well. I hid my bruises under makeup and my scars under a fake smile. I pushed past my fear and opened the door, reminding myself that he said that last night would be the last time. He told me he loved me and that he was sorry that night as I fell asleep with fresh bruises lacing my arms and chest. I cautiously stepped inside, wary of Gerard's every move.

"Gerard?" I asked, peeking around the corner. He was sitting on the couch with a beer in his hand. He smelled like liquor. The whole house did actually. Broken glass lay on the floor in the kitchen next to a pile of vomit. I grimaced, and made a mental note to clean it up later. Gerard turned around to face me, his eyes taking a while to adjust on me, his eyes landing on the plastic bag. "Where were you?" he asked. I flinched.

"I-I was out. On a walk. You were unconscious so I th-thought..." He stood up, and almost fell. Regaining his balance he threw the nearly empty bottle at me. I dodged, and it smashed just short of me.

"You thought? You thought you'd just go out and spend MY money on your worthless shit?" He walked up to me and grabbed me by my hair. His breath smelled disgustingly of alcohol. He threw me down to the ground, and kicked me in the ribs. I lay there, limp. I had soon learned it was best not to resist. "You ungrateful filthy bastard. Spending my hard-earned money with your little whore friends. I do all the work around here and this is how I get repaid?" He spit on me. My entire body hurt, but I didn't say anything. He pulled me up by my wrist. I cried out as his nails dug open one of the cuts on my forearm. He looked down, then slapped me across the face. "You stupid emo bitch. Do you even care about how people might perceive me? Of course you don't." He slapped me again. "You're a selfish, pathetic waste of space. No one needs you here. Anyone who tells you differently is lying." He pulled me in close. I felt his breath on my ear and I shivered. I felt the tears start to pour down my cheeks; I couldn't hold them in any longer. "We're out of booze," he whispered. "What are you gonna do about it?" I tensed, not knowing whether to answer or not. He punched me across the face, making me spit out blood.

"I SAID WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?" he yelled, shoving me down again. I'm sobbing now, unable to control myself as my breaths come in heaving gasps. "I-I'll go to the store tomorrow," I choked out. "I'll get you some tomorrow morning." I flinched as he bent down beside me. "Yes, that sounds good. You're gonna go to the store, you're gonna get me some booze, and you aren't gonna spend any more of my money on your worthless self. Got it?" I nodded, then had the breath knocked out of me as he kicked me once more, sending me sliding down the hall into the kitchen. Gerard's speech was slowing down now, and I could tell he was close to passing out again. "Clean this up..." he slurred, gesturing to the pile of broken glass and vomit next to me. He staggered out of the house, and I knew he'd wake up on a street corner a few hours later. I lay there, letting the tears pour out of me, my body in so much pain I couldn't even fathom movement. A few minutes later, I crawled to my feet. It was always so much worse when he was drunk. I pulled myself up the stairs and into mine and Gerard's bedroom. I opened up my underwear drawer, and wincing in pain as I dug out a shard of glass embedded in my arm. Feeling around, my fingers touched cold metal as I pulled out my blade. Dragging it across my skin, I felt the cold sting of sweet relief as blood poured over my arm, another tally mark being added to the rows upon rows of scars on my arms.

Even before I had met Gerard, I was extremely depressed. It ran in the family, the doctors told me. Then I met what seemed to be my saving grace. He had long, bright red hair, beautiful blue eyes, a gorgeous smile. He was a poet, a songwriter. He lured me in with his use and manipulation of words. Eventually I found out words weren't the only thing he could manipulate. I let him in, sharing with him everything I told myself at 3 am. Sharing with him the demons I never knew I had.

Then, on August 29th, he hit me for the first time. We were at a bar, and this guy came up to me and started flirting with me. He had a tattoo on his neck, shaggy ginger hair, soft eyes, and a nose ring. Said his name was Alan. Gerard's eyes lit up like fire. When we got home he yelled at me, saying it was my fault.

"You led him on, Kellin. You could've stopped him. But no. Being the slut that you are you led him on. Don't you care about me? I love you, and I care about you. But all you want to do is hurt me. That's your entire existence, Kellin. All you do is hurt people. No one needs you here. Everyone would be happier if you were gone." He threw the names I called myself back at me, making me wish I had never told him. Stupid. Worthless. Selfish. Waste of existence. Unneeded. Unwanted. Better off dead. He had always told me that they weren't true, that I was lying to myself, and I had believed him. I tried to defend myself, saying that I tried to stop Alan, that I never asked him to come onto me, that I loved him and only him, but with every defense he just got more and more angry, and I never even saw the punch coming. It didn't even hurt that much, but I still lay in a puddle of tears on the floor, my cheek turning bright red as Gerard huddled around me, full of apologies. "Omigod Kellin. I'm so sorry. Please. I didn't mean it. I just- oh god. Kellin please. I love you so much. I'm so sorry. Oh god I don't know what came over me. It will never happen again. Fuck this is all my fault. I'm so sorry." I heard sobbing and felt arms wrap around me but I lay there in shock, unable to comprehend what just happened. That night Gerard came into bed with me, but he didn't say anything. I rolled over and looked at him, seeing more pain in his eyes than I knew he was capable of. He said it would never happen again. He had never lied to me before. I trusted him.

Needless to say, it wasn't the last time.

I curled up on my bed, wrapping the blankets around me in a tight embrace. I heard my phone ring, but I let it go to voicemail. For now, all I wanted was sleep to wash over me, and I hoped to never wake up.