Letters To My Love

Thursday, 26th January 2017

9.44 AM

I woke up at 8. Then snoozed my way along the hour. I'm still so sleepy. I can't seem to get much these days. I properly wake up around 9.04, my last alarm. I know I'm meant to go and drop in my registration form today. They texted me, the Uni. My orientation is this Saturday. 

The first thing I did after switching my alarm off was to go and check if you had messaged. I think I forgot that I asked you not to last night. I'm really sorry I did that but I just thought it would be for the best. I regret it already but I can't go back on my word now. That would not be right. I don't want to seem so weak in this break but I am. 

I'm not going to deny it. The only thing that's stopping me from giving in is the thought that this is the only thing that could fix us now. 

I'm tired and hungry. It's raining and I feel sleepy, although I only woke up less than an hour ago.

The rain reminds me of you; and our first sleepover. Remember how we drove in the rain, got to the room and just watched the movie? I wish I could remember what movie it was right now. It hurts, not being able to remember. Also, remember the pack of Doritos I ate that night that you said I could keep? I ended up not eating it later until like, a forever later.

I can't forget how you helped me wash my hair and we went to sleep, I was dressed in your mum trousers aha. 

Little kisses with you mean so much. And it hurt a lot knowing you didn't want to be kissed during the first break, the one right before the almost-break up.

I wonder how things would be if we broke up. Or if you never got to my place that night. I wonder if I'd still be here, if you'd think you were the reason why it happened. I don't think you should think like that but, I'm just wondering. It wasn't your fault you know. You just triggered it. 

I wondered if you'd get online and come across my chat log and it would say, Online 1 day ago or so. I kept thinking, how would it have affected you, knowing it would never say online ever again. 

I'm kind of glad I decided not to do it. I'm not exactly sure why, but I guess you give me hope. 

I have a question for you to answer whenever, I think. 

How do you think things would have been if I had gone that night?

I'm only wondering.

I can't stop overthinking to be honest. I wish I could.

I hope you got to work on time. You weren't online anyway when I checked. I'm hoping you slept well. I honestly really do miss you. My day feels so incomplete without talking to you. 

I don't want to doubt you. Or ever give up on you.

I love you a lot.

-Muffin