Letters To My Love

Saturday, 28th January 2017

8.52 PM

I don't know what you're doing right now. Or what you've been doing the past few hours. You didn't tell me. I'm not going to ask. I'm not that comfortable anymore. It's a bit strange where things have ended up. We're still together, yes, I know. 

I must have hurt you a lot. Smothered you maybe. I keep thinking of the word consumed. I'm sorry if you felt that way but that wasn't what I was intending to do. I'm sorry you got that impression. But I'll try not to give it to you now. You didn't ask for it. 

What hurts me is that you never ask me how I feel during something. I know these letters have started taking a negative turn but I can't change that. I have my first lecture at Uni tomorrow in the morning. I'm struggling with what to wear because apparently, we can't wear jeans. 

What kind of rule is that I bought jeans specifically for that.

My grandma is very ticked off with me for some weird reason that she keeps exaggerating when telling everyone in the house but I don't care. She can yell at me all she wants but I have things to do. I have to get shit done. I cannot just drop my stuff and go do someone else's. 

And this is why she tells everyone I'm egocentric and selfish.

What can I even do. I'm just pretending she doesn't exist lately, except for that time today when I asked her to help me make a bank account. 

I know I asked you to come but I'm starting to regret asking you. I don't think I'm ready to see you yet. I want to, but I can't. I don't feel very... in there lately. Been so for a while. 

Your struggle to find space only led me away. That's all I can say. 

Now I'm torn between trying to get over things I didn't think would come up when I first started dating you and leaving you. I'm scared all the effort I decide to put in might go into waste. I've been crying for an hour now just overthinking everything. 

I think I'm going to try to sleep. I don't feel very well.

I love you a lot.

-Muffin