Letters To My Love

Tuesday, 7th February 2017

11.50 AM

I suppose this is it then. 

It's not what I want. It's what I thought you wanted. Or needed. You never bothered to correct me.

You can say you love me all you want but I don't think it was strong enough in the end to save either of us. You keep telling me I haven't improved or fixed anything but you haven't done much either. 

You haven't fixed the issue of pointing things out during a fight. I'm not the best person, I get it. Never said I was. But you can't keep telling me something like that when I am trying to fix something. When I'm trying to get you to fix something. Because all that is saying is that you don't think you've done anything wrong. 

I've told you this so many times. 

You don't understand what happens when you point something out to me when I am upset. I start to genuinely believe it. That isn't me being sarcastic in the least you need to get that I am not fully aware of things when I am upset.

I look back at conversations and fights like that later when I'm in a better mood and I just can't stop feeling so bad for me because I genuinely believed you were right at that time. Every single thing. From being the worst most inconsiderate girlfriend to the un-appreciating one. I genuinely believed all of it. That wasn't me being sarcastic. That was me putting myself down. 

And I felt bad for me later.

I'm sorry for everything I've put you through. You don't deserve someone as bad as me.

We still don't get each other. We've tried too hard too many times. I feel so bad right now I love you so much I really wanted to see you be the one for me. It hurts. 

But I know you'll be happier without me. I know I can make you happy by not being with you. That's the only way that I think I can make you happy now...

You make me happy. All the time. In every way you can. I can assure you this 100%.

But I need you to be able to tell when I'm paranoid. When I get overly paranoid. I need you to be able to tell the difference between my paranoia and adamancy.

I need you to realise and stop when I'm too upset that I start agreeing with you negatively. 

I'm trying so hard but I don't see myself improving. I wish I could see even a little bit because I feel so bad. 

I overreact too much. I hurt you too much. I don't know how I can be better. I'm genuinely such a bad person I don't know how to do it. 

But... I do get hope when you keep telling me I can. 

I think just how you got me to believe that I couldn't, you can get me to believe I can too, if you tried.

You're so good to me, but I just wish you'd fix the big issue. I wish you wouldn't be so mean during fights. I miss you and I love you so much. I can't walk away from you even if I should. That's a fault of mine. That I can't let go. 

I'm so in love with you, that I keep thinking, "Oh, he'll fix it soon. He won't do it next time.".

But... this one issue keeps coming up. Over and over, during every single fight. 

Please please please assure me that you will fix this.

If you have a problem with anything, please let me know when we're in a better mood because then, it would be easier for me to understand. Just as much as you try to be better, so do I.

I wish you would encourage me and tell me I'm doing a good job. 

You might be glad to know I didn't claw at myself last night. I had trouble sleeping though, because my whole pillow was wet. 

I'm really sorry I keep hurting you. 

I love you a lot. 

-Muffin.