Starry Night: Les Artistes Sont Amoureux

nine

For the next month, the guilt ate me alive. I had texted Vincent and told him that until I could figure out what I was going to do with Teddy, I couldn't be around him. More cheating would ensue, and if the guilt piled up, I would end up spilling my guts to Teddy. I couldn't do that. I had to find a way to let him down gently. Vincent understood, so we could only talk at three am when we couldn't sleep.

Teddy, on the other hand, knew something was wrong, but couldn't figure out what it was. I started spending less time with him, talking to him less. I just felt so much guilt whenever I saw him. Teddy was so sweet, so kind. He deserved so much better than me.

It was a couple of days before Besuchstag, and I was laying across my bed in my room. I desperately needed Pippa to be here. She would know what to do. She was smarter than me, stronger than me. I was just bubbly. It was my only good quality, but it was a quality I had lost in the past month.

As I laid there, staring at the ceiling with Bon Iver playing in the back, I heard someone knock on my door.

"Caroline Schuyler is not in right now," I said in a monotonous tone. "Leave a message."

"Teddy Jackson would like to speak with her," Teddy said in annoyance. I sighed and rolled over before getting up and walking over to my door. I opened it and said, "Hi."

"I haven't seen you in a while," he said awkwardly.

"I know," I sighed. "I'm sorry--"

"Have I done something?" Teddy asked suddenly. "Have I, have I hurt you? Did I do something to upset you? Is it because I left you to go to that club meeting? I just don't understand--"

"You didn't do anything," I promised, my heart breaking. I couldn't keep doing this to him. But, I was too afraid to tell him the truth, so I gave him a different truth. "I can't love the same way you can."

"Caroline," he sighed.

"No." I cut him off. "I mean it. My dad left my mum when I was a kid, and it destroyed her. And I swore from that day that I would only fall in love with my art. I don't feel the same way that other people do."

"Caroline, I love you," Teddy said, clearly hurt. Tears filled my eyes as I whispered, "But I can't love you. I'm so sorry, Teddy. Please forgive me."

"I just don't understand. Why did you make me fall in love with you if you knew you wouldn't love me back?" That's when I began to cry.

"I tried!" I promised. "I tried, I tried, I tried! I wanted to love you, Teddy. I truly did! But, I can't! I have tried, so hard, but I just can't do it. And you deserve better."

"This has nothing to do with me," Teddy said after a few moments of silence. "It's not because you can't love me. It's because you love someone else. Why can't you just say that. Just tell me the truth, and I will go."

"You are such a good person," I whimpered. "I never meant to do this to you. Your friendship means the world to me. I never, ever wanted to hurt you. You have to believe me, Teddy." Teddy pulled me in for a hug and kissed the top of my head. "I believe you," he promised. "Just tell me the truth."

"I'm so sorry," I whispered, burying my face in his chest. "I don't know why I can't make this work. But it's not because of anyone else. It's because I am afraid, and I am guarded, and I can't let anyone have that part of me." Teddy seemed to accept this, because all he said was, "Okay. It's okay, Caroline. I'm not upset. I'll be okay."

"I promise, I'm going to find you a nice girl. A girl who won't ever wrong you," I said, hugging him tighter. He chuckled and said, "You don't have to do that, Caroline. I'll be okay."