Permissive

Chapter 10

Chapter 10

3 years later

"Hello, it's been a three years since I last saw you. Three years, and eight months to be exact," Lauren smiled sadly at the camera.

She bit her lip as tears brimmed her eyes. She couldn't. She just can't. She can't forget her. No matter what she do, the brown eyed Latina wouldn't leave her mind.

How fool is she?

She would never move on from her. Her heart won’t let her. Her mind won’t let her. And maybe, just maybe, forgetting Camila wasn’t really meant to be. Lauren knows Camila will always be the owner of her heart.

She held back a sob as she listened to the birds chirping on her window. The camera was still rolling. The room was silent. She can even hear her unsteady breathing.

She reached her right hand to the front until she felt the digital clock sitting in front of her. She pressed the button on top of it.

“The time is eight thirty nine,” the digital clock spoke in a robotic voice.

This has been Lauren’s routine since she left Miami.  She will record a video every morning. Now living in California, she brought a small suburban house near her favourite music store. She has been living with her friends (not really friends, since they are Lauren’s maid). Lydia and her daughter Bella has been helping Lauren since she stepped foot to this small suburban house. They met at a diner where Lauren ate after she landed.

It’s been three years and seven months since Lauren lost her eyesight. She took the surgery where they removed the shards of glass on her eyes, and after the surgery, Lauren’s world has been dark. Literally. But that doesn’t mean that she lost her positive outlook in life. She still has it. And Lydia made sure that Lauren will never lost it.

“I…miss you, you know?” she breathed out, “I know I don’t have the right to miss you but what can I do? I’m still in love with you. I’ve always been in love with you, Camz.”

Her heart breaks. Her heart breaks every time that name would leave her lips. She felt guilty for hurting the woman she loves. She felt guilty for making her cry.

“But I know you’re mad at me. Hell, even our friends are mad at me. We’re back to square one. I-I’m sorry. You know hurting you was never my intention,” she cried.

She shifted in her seat as she brought the sleeve of her sweater to her face to wipe the tears away. But no use. They kept coming back. It felt like they were having a race. Good thing she’s blind. She wouldn’t want to see her face right now.

“That decision I made that day was for the best of us. If you can see me right now, you wouldn’t want this life. You wouldn’t want to take care of me. This life isn’t for you. You deserve to be taking care of. You deserve to be treated as a queen. You are my queen Camz. But sadly, I’m not your knight. I can never protect you. And it hurts that it’s true.”

She leaned backward until her back hit the back of the sofa. She clasped her hands as she placed it in her lap. She pressed the button of the clock once again.
“The time is eight forty-three.”

“It haunts me, Camz. The day I left you kept haunting me. This guilt over here,” she raised her right hand, pointing her heart, “it won’t leave me. And I guess, it will never leave until I die,” she spoke sadly.

Memories flashed across her eyes. Those memories who kept haunting her. The memories who would give her sleepless nights. The day when she left Camila. Those were the memories.

[Flashback]

Lauren took a deep breath before releasing it. Holding the manila folder on her right hand, she reached her left hand to open the door. The door felt heavy as she pushed it.