Without you, I'm nothing

Chapter 10

I decided to wait outside, after all, I'm sure Ben's family would want to be alone at a time like this. I scanned the area for a seat and flopped down onto it. I didn't know how to sit, I felt so out of place. I thanked my lucky stars when I saw Ben and Mrs Cooke walk out of Mr Cooke's room, they were looking for me it seemed. I waved to them and Ben bounded over.

"Dad wants to talk to you" He said "Alone" He added

"Um, okay"

"Relax" Ben smiled as he noticed how on edge I was. He kissed me and gently pushed me in the correct direction "Shout us when we can come back in" I nodded and walked in.

"Hi, Mr Cooke" I said quietly

"How many times have I told you to call me Jack?" He smiled

"Sorry.... Jack" he burst out laughing

"So I want to talk to you" He said seriously

"What about?"

"You and Ben" I shifted uneasily "Don't look so worried"

"I can't help it" I mumbled "You didn't seem very supportive of our relationship" He sighed

"Only because I don't want Ben to hurt you"

"But he can't help it"

"I know but I also know that you won't deal with his death very well-"

"Mr Cooke" I interrupted "I haven't stopped loving Ben since we dated when we was 14, it wouldn't make a difference if we were together or not when he dies"

"You don't know that"

"Yes I do. If I don't kill myself, I'll just end up sleeping with a different girl every week to get over it and I don't want to be that guy again"

"Then don't be that guy, you're stronger then you think"

"Why do people keep telling me that? If I was stronger then I think, why can't I sort out my own fucked up life? Why can't I stop self-harming? Why do I need Ben so fucking much?"

"Because you love him, that's why"

"Yeah" I smiled at the ground

"Jon, you better treat Ben right. Believe me, he needs you just as much as you need him. Look after each other, okay? I'm praying that this treatment works because you two deserve to be happy"

"Thank you, Mr Cooke. I hope it does too"

"If it doesn't.... I'm sorry. Keep on eye on my wife, would you?"

"Sure, she's like a mum to me"

"Jon..." He trailed off

"Yes?"

"Are you.... still in contact with Dean?"

"No" I didn't want to think about Dean "He never called me when he got to New York and he never answered me"

"I'm sorry"

"Don't be, not your fault" I sighed "Maybe it was for the best, I'm too fucking clingy for my own good"

"You haven't exactly had an easy life, of course you're going to get attached to people who care about you"

"I guess"

"Just one more thing"

"Hmm?"

"Stay alive" He squeezed my hand "Even if you don't want to, think about what Ben would want you to do"

"I'll try" I promised

"Can you tell them to come back in, please?"

"Sure, do you want me to go?"

"No, Ben needs you"

"Okay"

Mrs Cooke and Ben were standing right outside when I opened the door. Mrs Cooke rushed straight in but Ben kissed me softly before walking to his dad's side and grasping a hold of his hand. I watched as Mr and Mrs Cooke exchanged an embrace and kissed each other long and lovingly. A doctor opened the door and waited patiently for them to finish.

"Has everyone finished saying goodbye?" He asked gently

"Yes" Mr Cooke said

"Are you sure there's nothing you can do?" Mrs Cooke wept

"I'm awfully sorry, ma'am, but there really is nothing we can do"

"You'll be okay" Mr Cooke said "I promise"

"How can you promise that?! I need you! I love you!"

"Reminds me of someone" Ben whispered in my ear, I hadn't even noticed he was stood next to me. My cheeks flushed red but he just chuckled and pecked my cheek. We all watched the doctor adjust something that had a pipe that was stuck in Mr Cooke's hand.

"I'll leave you be" The doctors said "It should be 2 minutes at the most" Once he had left, Ben and Mr Cooke hugged one last time before Mr and Mrs Cooke simply sat holding hands as his breathing became raspy. Then, it stopped.

Ben's hands, which were resting on my hips, gripped me so tightly I was sure I would have bruises. His head was resting on my shoulder and I could feel wet patches seeping through. I rocked him, stroking his hair as he wrapped his arms around my neck and sobbed. I asked Mrs Cooke if Ben and I should leave so she could have some time alone, she nodded, still clutching at Mr Cooke's hand as tears were streaming down her cheeks. I picked Ben up and carried him out of the room. Once we were out he started kissing me desperately.

"Ben, what are you doing?" I asked in between kisses

"Take me home"

"We need to wait for your mum"

"Jon, just make me feel good" He mumbled

"Your dad just died and you want us to have sex?"

"Yes!" He cried "You can't talk, that's how you'll deal with me dying!" I flinched

"Gee, thanks, Ben" I tried to not take too much offence as I knew he didn't mean it

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean that"

"Yeah but it's true" My vice went weirdly high-pitched

"Don't" Ben groaned "I feel shit as it is, don't add insult to the injury. Please, just fuck me"

"I don't want to fuck you, I want to make love to you"

"Then fucking do it, I need it so much right now"

I hoped Mrs Cooke won't be mad when she found out we had gone.