Without you, I'm nothing

Chapter 20

To Jon,

So far, so good with treatment. By that I mean, I've been violently sick 17 times now and I've been on for a week. I haven't left my hospital bed. I probably shouldn't have told you that... I know what you're like. Don't worry about me, baby boy. Despite what I've just told you, the doctors say I'm making great progress.

In other news, my grandad died yesterday. Don't say you're sorry (if you ever reply!), I barely knew the man. My grandma isn't taking it too well... but who can blame her? They've been married for 65 years. What is it with people dying on me? That was a crap joke and I kind of just want to cry but if I don't laugh, I will cry.

Sometimes I hold my thumb in my fist and pretend it's your hand, is that sad? I just need SOMETHING. I miss you so fucking much! I cry myself to sleep sometimes. You're my entire world, universe. You're all the colours at full brightness. Yes, that is a quote from a book. Come at me. I've been reading a lot more as I literally can't do anything else! The doctors agreed with my grandma banning me from technology! Can you believe it? How am I supposed to look at photos of you? Not that I need one to remember everything about you. A picture just feels more... real, I guess?

Please find a way to communicate back. I'm actually having withdrawal systems, I think. God, I love you. I love you. I am yearning to hear that sentence fall from your perfect, pink lips. I just want to run my hands all over your beautiful body, through your soft hair. I want to make you blush but most importantly I want you to feel so fucking warm that you will have to lie naked in a bath full of ice cubes.

I love you more than words can say

Ben xxx