Old and Unwanted

Where are you?

He kissed me.

Hindi ko alam kung guni-guni ko lang pero kakaiba ang kiss na yun.

It was different from the hungry, fiery kisses before, different from the gentle calming kisses. Hindi ko maexplain.

It took my breath away.

That was the best sentence to describe it.

And I know from what I felt I just made a terrible mistake.

Maybe, maybe I am starting to fall……im starting to fall in love.

Dyosko, maling mali to.

This is suicide.

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It all started when I received a message from him. He will be on a 5 day conference out of the country daw. It was Monday and I was getting ready to go to work.

Biglaan. The hospital really delegated the work without delay.

I was so excited to see him. Tapos ganun.

Right after the kiss, he bade goodbye. No words spoken sa ginawa niya, sa ginawa namin. He just gave me his charming, striking smile.

Dahil sa kiss na yun gustung gusto kong iusod ang Linggo para mag Lunes na tapos sasabihin na nasa conference siya. I was so eager to see him! So I texted him. I asked where and I asked how was he but he didn’t bother to reply. I thought maybe he was busy.

Thoughts of women clouded my mind. Naalala ko pa ng isama niya ako sa conferece at yun mga kakababaihan dun eh sobra kung makatingin. Malapit siya sa mga babae at babae ang lalapit pa sa kanya. At alam ko hindi niya pinapalampas ang malalagkit na tingin sa kanya ng mga babae. Sumasakit ang dibdib ko kakaisip palang ng maaring mangyari.

Pero sino ba naman ako para makaramdam ng ganun. Isa lamang akong hamak na sekretarya. Isang hamak na clinic assistant. Kung nagkaroon man kami ng moment or moments bilang lang yun ng daliri ko at palagay ko nagkaroon na rin siya ng ganun moments kasama yun ibang babae. Nakakainis!

Isa lang akong secretary. Im neither a friend nor a girlfriend, saan ka pa? Napakasaklap pero ganito na ang nararamdaman ko.

Sa isang araw palang na hindi kami magkita kung anu-anong naiisip ko. Na baka may kasama siyang iba? May ginagawa na siyang kababalaghan? Kasama na naman niya yun Carla na yun? Naiinis ako kung bakit ganito nalang ang pumapasok sa utak ko.

Yun isang araw naging dalawang araw, tatlong araw, apat na araw at limang araw. Limang araw na halos mabaliw na ako kakaisip sa kanya. Hindi na niya ako ginugulo ng mga messages niya about ‘sleeping with him’. Wala na akong natanggap na text galing sa kanya.

And then came Monday again. I was early in the office. Ako na ang excited. I even wore something new, not to impress him mind you, gusto ko lang. Haha! Then, I received a note from the hospital that Tim won’t be reporting in the hospital because he has been sent to a medical mission. ‘What the heck?!’ lang ang nasabi ko.