iMakeover (an iCarly Story)

19. Ignore the Purple Elephant in the Room

Dedicated to first commenter, @ellbell1236 (:

Sam's POV

I sink to my knees, unable to stay standing.

I totally just blew it. I just know that when he said if I never want to see him again, he was saying the same thing about himself.

I take in a deep jagged breath, my breathing and heart beat still erratic and unusually quick.

"Oh my god, this is all my fault." Carly kneels at my side and tries to embrace me, but I push her away. There are only one pair of arms I'd let around me right now. Anyone else's would be a disappointment.

I sigh.

"No. It's mine."

"But-" Carly starts to try and defend me, but I give her a hard glare. This is my problem and I'm not letting anyone else take responsibility for what belongs on my shoulders. No one should feel the aching hurt and guilt except for me.

"Just leave me alone," I try to snap at her but it comes out broken, my voice cracking horribly.

"This is my apartment, you know," she reminds me.

"Fine. I'll leave."

"Sam, you don't have to go-"

"Yes. I do."

I slam the door on Carly's pleas for me to come back and stare at his door.

My vision starts getting blurry as I think about how he's probably never going to want to speak to me again, or if he does, it'll be terribly awkward and never the same again.

I've been so freaking stupid lately. Why did I say those things? I know it's not just physical, not only my hormones getting the best of me, its just...him. He's funny and smart and sweet like no other guy has ever acted like for me. He believes in me when no one else will and comforts me even though I'm a total monster to him. I'm not ever going to find another guy like him. Sure, he's a geek. So what? So am I. Not that anyone knows that but I am. I'm very experienced with computers considering my mom doesn't know shit about them and I've always needed to set mine up and do everything myself. I got hooked on reading, especially the Morganville Vampire series because Claire reminds me a little of myself. She's small but can be mighty when she has to be.

I have to make this tight between us. If I don't, he'll get over me quickly and move on to a real girl, a Carly or Jenna or someone like that. Girly and pretty and who doesn't threaten to rip his testicles off when he tries to eat their bacon.

Standing there staring at his door like a moron, I realize that I know him well enough to know that my worries are pointless. He's not even in there.

My feet lead me down the hall and I walk out onto the fire escape. I don't knock like last time. His eyes are closed and his pearphone is playing softly. "She's Killing Me" by A Rocket to the Moon fades out and a new song starts playing.

"She's cold and she's cruel but she knows what she's doing."

I smile and start singing along softly.

"She pushed me in the pool at our last school reunion."

Freddie opens his eyes and I feel him turn to look at me but I ignore him.

"She laughs at my dreams but I dream about her laughter."

I'm about to sing the next line but he cuts me off.

"Strange as it seems, she's the one I'm after." Freddie sings soft as a whisper.

I bite my lip and stare at my shoes. Well, Carly's shoes. Making a face, I kick them off and Freddie smiles a little.