Since He Left ✓

03: Misled Truths

"She was brave and strong and broken all at once." - Anna Funder

Listen to Hopeful by Bars and Melody. 

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"Maman! Listen, I'm not ruining this trip so that I can go sit on a couch and tell my therapist everything I've already told her before. If we stay here three more nights like planned, I promise I'll go to the therapist. What other choice do I even have? Okay?" I was frustrated. After Nick found me he had texted our parents to meet us at the suite, they were both furious at me for running away. We were all siting in the sitting area, discussing the current trip and my "break down". The process of persuading Maman to stay in California was fairly easy, but I thought I had won her over. Nearly.

"Okay, but only if you meet Zöe three times from now on. Is that agreed?" I could see she was hoping I would agree, but three times a week? Wasn't she understanding that all this, hospitals, medication, therapists, was all for waste. There went their money and my time in the bin.

"Three weeks is a lot, but I agree. I don't want to spoil the trip for you guys," I said and looked down. Nick seemed hurt, he looked at Maman.

"Don't you think three weeks is a little too much? I mean we can all see it's not helping her at all. Why don't you drop the therapist and try something else. Maybe sports, you know to relief the anxiety?" I was surprised but still grateful for Nick, he was a good brother. Like Grayson. I raised my head, Joseph looked proud of Nick for standing up for me. I lighted up, maybe his words would change Maman's opinion.

"Yeah, that's a great idea. I could start tennis, basketball, soccer, maybe even boxing to-"

"No, my decision is made. We'll stay here three more nights if only you agree to my terms," mom firmly interrupted me. I didn't want to go home already, we only visited San Francisco every other year. It was too soon, so I defeatedly agreed.

"Fine, Maman. If you'll all excuse me I'm going to my room," I stood up and left to my room.

I entered the bedroom and shut the door, tears started to blur my eyes. Why was she so ignorant? I loved her and all but first she couldn't see how suspicious Grayson's "death" was, and now she won't accept that I'm not crazy. That I don't need treatment for something I don't have. 'Complicated Grief Disorder' isn't even that serious, it just depended on how much you loved the person you lost. And I didn't loose Grayson, he was here, I could feel it.

Without proof, people were going to point fingers at me for the rest of my life. Without evidence, I would never see my brother again. As soon as we arrived home, I'd look for clues. I'd search the globe if that was necessary, whatever I did I would find Grayson. For both our sakes. I cried and cried, afraid they would hear me, I put my mouth into the pillow. I always acted stronger than I really was, I was weak but I didn't let anyone see it. Not even Maman. Grayson, I'll come for you. I promise.

This morning we'd decided to visit Chinatown before leaving California, one of my favorite places in Frisco. Chinatown, San Francisco, was also the largest Chinese community outside Asia. We were standing in front of 'Chinatown Gate' on Grant Avenue (都板街 in Chinese) taking pictures. Maman, Grayson, and I had been there a million times before, but Maman and I decided to introduce them to this fantastic place. The strong smell of seafood seemed to irritate Nick, which I didn't understand. The smell of seafood was one of the best advantages of being here. Crabs, fish, lobster, and a variety of shrimp were all lined on ice. Men were persuading people to come and inside and buy something, aiming to make some cash that day. After we were done taking pictures we entered the territory by passing under a Chinese gate, the streets were swarming with people. Citizens came here: to buy their groceries, for tourism, coincidently and for a new experience.