sakimashita

cyclamen

"I'm not crazy, I'm sure I ain't done nothing wrong, no
I'm just waiting
'Cause I heard that this feeling
won't last that long"

Never Ever - All Saints

(cyclamen - resignation and goodbye)

When he was growing up, Taehyung didn't think his life would play out this way. He always imagined it to be simple and enjoyable. Not so.. Complex. Not where he will have a strict schedule to follow. A fixed time to wake up, a fixed time to spend with his friends and family. Everything so set and rigid; written down and fixed. They spend hours sweating and practising and hardly any is left for frolicking. He does not hate what he has. He will not exchange it for anything else in the world but, there are times when he wonders if he should have done something differently at some point. At any point.

He accepts the apple the six year old sitting next to him in the train bound for Daegu gives him. He likes her smile. She is cute with her green frock and crooked teeth. A glance at the watch tells him he has still one hour left before he reaches his station. He reclines into the seat, adjusting himself before taking his phone out for playing games on it.

~~~~~~~~

His first meeting with Yoongi was shocking. He fell in love. It was as simple as that. He saw him when Bighit was recruiting and lo, his heart was stolen. That voice, that cute face, that height and that accent. The satoori rap. Taehyung loves it till date. When he was introduced to Min Yoongi and subsequently, got to know him he fell more in love. The permanent scowling face, scrunched up nose, annoyed-with-the-world expression; what was their not to love about them?

Loving Yoongi was as simple as loving, say Jimin, and yet, loving his best friend didn't bring the same sort of happiness. Simply staring at his Jiminnie's face didn't make the sudden appearance of butterflies in his stomach the way staring at Yoongi did. Nor did the said butterflies flutter when Jimin smiled at him. Standing beside Jimin didn't excite him nor, did hugging him make him nervous. He could roll all over his little Park Jimin and yet, holding a simple gaze with Yoongi was as difficult as climbing a mountain.

He was loud and noisy and not very organised - the type Yoongi hated. Taehyung tried to be subtle about it. He tried. A lot. He ended up creating a mess. He wanted to give the bowl of soup to the rapper which he had prepared with Seokjin's help. In over excitement, he spilled it on Yoongi's new leather jacket, one which he had bought after saving up for months. He was so scared. He had apologised so much and in nervousness, had started laughing. Had Hoseok or, Seokjin not interfered, he was sure Yoongi would have ripped his head off. He ended up breaking a lot of Yoongi's things over the following years. From the pre-debut days to the post-debut ones.

It was easy for him to not show it on broadcast. His love. Taehyung was fickle-minded and easy-to-be-distracted kind. Also, he didn't love Yoongi in the way where he wanted to jump around him all the time though Yoongi made him nervous and made him jump all the same. He was okay if Yoongi looked at his antics a bit more critically than what he spared for Jungkook or, Jimin or, any of the other members for that matter. He just wanted a little bit of that acknowledgment. He knew Yoongi didn't particularly hate him or, dislike him. He was just not very comfortable with his feelings. Taehyung was even okay with that. He could understand. After all, Yoongi was straight and they were in a boy group with only five other members living in a small dorm.