esoteric ↯ dean winchester x reader

xxx.

You and Castiel stood outside the bunker. The crisp breeze cracking against your skin. You felt your nose and cheeks grow red. The night was cold and you were exhausted.

"You're sure no one will find it?" You asked your friend, "Not just Dean, but Sam, Crowley, who ever."

"Nobody even knows that part of Earth exists, (Y/N)." Castiel assured you. Cass had become not only your mentor but your friend. As you stood outside he felt your discontent, "Dean will be okay."

"I know." You said, crossing your arms. You looked up trying to figure out if you were okay.

"You're scared?" Castiel picked up on your emotions, you wish you were able to do the same but Angels weren't exactly able to truly emote. It was your mortal half that controlled emotions.

"Cass, should I be scared.." you started to question but for whatever reason, thinking after speaking.

"Of what? Dean? Dean won't harm you. I'll make sure of it-" Cass offered. But that wasn't what you were really scared of.

"No, I mean- like- scared of myself." You opened up, Cass was ready to deny but you shifted, "You heard the Angels, you saw what happened to me tonight. I'm dangerous. You guys are supposed to kill my kind because of it. What if I touch someone and I wipe their memory on accident? What happens then?"

"You haven't hurt anyone-" Cass started but you were borderline panic attack.

"Neither did any of the Nephilims who were children, infants, new borns that were killed by Angels. Yet here I am, a full grown adult, I've lived a life. Why? Why am I alive?"

"You don't think you deserve it?" Castiel found the hopelessness in you. He now understood the bond you shared with Dean.

"You saw what I did tonight, I blew Cain out of the park when you barely hit him a zinger. What happens if that next person I fling my palm to isn't a demon, but you or Sam or some random guy who flips me off or Dean? I'm just as dangerous as the others. I Why haven't you killed me?" You rambled, hoping for closure from someone who was trained to kill you.

"Because, if there is anything I've learned from the Winchesters it's there constant ability to see the gray in situations. You aren't just a Nephilim, you are half human. You grew up with a mortal mother, who taught you how to be human. Your angelic grace has been dormant for some time, someone wanted you alive, and frankly so do I." Castiel calmed you down, "I won't kill you, because you are my friend."

"Thank you." You whispered into Castiels shoulder, you had wrapped him into a hug. Rubbing a tear off on his trench coat. You needed so badly to be reminded you were human.

~

Inside the bunker, unaware of the events outside Sam and Dean sit in the kitchen. Dean, cut up and bloody, sat at the table drinking coffee while Sam stood by the coffee maker and pours another cup of coffee.

"Dean, um, you know, what you did back there, it was incredible. You know, if you can do that without losing yourself," Sam came to sit at the table across from his brother, "that's cause for hope, even without a cure."

"Yeah." Dean agreed weakly, "Maybe."

Just then, you and Castiel entered. By habit you kept your distance. You watched him as he looked up from his coffee, not really knowing what you guys were yet. Sure, you guys had had sex, but those nights were before any of this, before you knew each others deepest darkest secrets. And that kiss you shared, for all he knew it was only because you thought he may be dying. But all that being said, he was too exhausted to even think. He just wanted to look at you. To be near you. To pretend everything made sense.

"So, where's the Blade?" Dean spoke up.

"Somewhere safe." Castiel responded for you.

"Good. Well, if you guys will excuse me," Dean put his mug away, "I think I am gonna go sleep for about four days."

As he passes Castiel he pats him on the shoulder. When he reaches you, despite his confused state and bruised lip he kisses your forehead. Almost immediately his lips seemed to suck any kind of reservation you had.

"Of course." Sam said, responding to Deans need for sleep.

"Make it 5." You gave him a slight squeeze on his arm to make him stop. That moment was when you saw it, when he was close to you, you saw his deep green eyes quiver. It was almost as if the essence of him had grown deeper, darker, more lost. Now that Cain was dead, he has no one to share the power of the Mark with. He has no more questions of his future.

"Do you want me to come with?" You asked, wanting to be with him.

"Uh," he looked down at his knuckles, bloody, reminding him that he would never be clean, he didn't deserve you. "I think I should sleep alone tonight."

"O-Okay." You said, not really fighting him but disappointed. You realized then that just because you two shared a kiss didn't mean you'd be talking about the definition of your relationship. Even though you both desperately wanted to.

"How is he?" You turned to ask Sam once Dean was out of ear shot down the hall. You wanted to know from someone other than Dean who tried so hard to prove he was fine.

"Sam?" Cass pushed when no answer came.

"Guys." Sam looked up, and far away as though he were going to cry, "Dean's in trouble."