So Wrong, It's Right

Stay Awake (Dreams Only Last For A Night)

(Go to sleep with the pressure of everyone, watching and waiting, they're yours for the taking, but I still have my doubts. Before you ask which way to go, remember where you've been...)

I couldn't concentrate properly through graduation, and I spaced out enough that I almost didn't hear my name get called out to go onstage and get my diploma. After we'd all got our diplomas, Mr. Xavier made his final speech and we tossed out caps in the air, and my high school career was over.

We all met up in the parking lot after the ceremony, and Kara was already crying her eyes out, and butterflies started in my stomach again at the thought of leaving everyone behind, and probably never coming back. Alex slipped his hand into mine effortlessly, making the butterflies get even stronger, and nausea set in, but I refused to let it all get over me. This was my last day with my best friends, and I was going to make the most of it, whatever we decided to do. Kara threw herself on me, sobbing into my shoulder so I tried my best to comfort her with one hand, laughing to myself about how adorably quirky she was. She was studying at Towson university, so she wasn't really leaving anything behind. I was the one leaving everybody, and they knew I was going, they just didn't know I was going tonight.

Our parents and families joined us in the parking lot, and Kara then took her arms off me and Rian took over. Alex's arm found my waist and pulled me into him, and I rested my head on his chest as our families got all emotional as we had 'all grown into beautiful adults', making us all cringe and laugh before we all went off for family dinners. Alex pulled me into him so our torsos touched, kissing me softly on the lips and whispered "I'll see you later for 'you and me' time. Don't forget." before he went off with his parents to their car. Mom and I were the last ones in the parking lot out of my friends and their families, and she looked at me, worry on her face. "Why aren't you telling your friends, sweetie?" she asked, not understanding my decision at all. I sighed and began to walk to our car. "I just...I hate goodbyes. You saw how Kara was just now, imagine if I'd told her that was the last time she'd see me? Imagine the guys if I told them I was leaving and I didn't know whether I would come back. I'm a coward because I'm scared of seeing their hurt. I can't even tell Alex...and I love him so much. If he ever found out I was leaving...I don't know how I'd cope."

My eyes began to water as I imagined all their faces, how they would react when they woke up tomorrow and heard I'd gone. What would they think of me? Would they hate me for not saying goodbye?

Mom and I just went home so I could finish packing up my room. I'd packed most of my clothes, but I dug out my new grey Dulany High School, Class of '06 hoodie and put it on for comfort, and to stop myself catching a glance at my belly. I just wanted everything to be over so I could get on with my life. My grandparents had booked my abortion for two days time, giving me time to get there and settle a little before I killed the thing inside me. I couldn't think of it as a living thing, but everytime I did, I thought of how difficult both our lives would be if I kept it. I looked over at the pile of stuff on the bed, all things that reminded me of Alex was there, and I didn't know what I was going to do with it. I didn't want to bring it all with me, but I didn't want to get rid of it all either.

I took the last few things that I was bringing out of my wardrobe, and saw the empty drawer and decided that, maybe I should just put it all in there for now. I took the drawer out and placed it on my bed, carefully folding Alex's black hoodie and putting it in first, followed by the pictures of us both. When I got to the picture Zack had taken of us (he'd printed a copy off for me not long after Alex and I had officially got together) I couldn't bring myself to put it in the box, so instead I decided it was the one thing I would bring with me. I placed it in the front pocket of my backpack and zipped it up before I noticed the promise ring that I still had on my finger. I sighed, looking at it in the light from my lamp and then decided to leave it here, with everything else. I found the box Alex had given me it in and took it off my finger, placing it in and putting it on the top of everything. The box was full, and my bed was now empty of the pictures, letters and precious memories of my time with the only boy I would probably ever love.