The Sickness in Love

The Sickness {part 6}

I had entered through the ER doors, to Seeing all of Noel's family waiting in the lobby. I was dressed in pjs with my hair done up, in a messy bun. I looked like a mess and meeting his family like this, wasn't good. But instead of thinking to much about how I was dressed; I waved and said hi to each member of the family. "We've heard Noel is in bad shape, is he doing okay?" His mother asked, holding my hand tightly. "I'm sure he is, let me go check up on him." I said, walking toward the front desk. "Is Noel Bush still in room #214?" "No ma' am, he has been moved to room #39, because he was finished with all his testing." "Thank you" I said, running to find Noel. Yelling his name, trying to hear his voice. Falling on my knees as I hear someone say he's gone. That can't be, he was fine during the phone call.
Room #39
I walked into his room, seeing his eyes closed and his hands softy placed over a few roses. A pillow, lightly placed behind his head. Along with his favorite tone playing. He looked just like he did, the day we got married. But instead of a suit, he wore a blue and white dress.
I slowly started walking towards him, hoping he is just asleep. The closer I got, the deeper my heart sank. "I love you, and always will." I told him, in his ear. Hoping he could still hear. I wanted him to see what this did to me, I wanted him to see my tears. I needed him to wipe them away as I smiled against his lips once more. I was right next to him and held his hand on my heart. His hand was cold as ice and hard as rock. I knew he was gone but I couldn't let him leave me. I loved him. "I love you. I love you! I love you!!" I started sobbing as I fell to the floor. Rocking back and forth, with tears raining out of my eyes. My heart arches, I'm rubbing it. My mind hurts, I'm holding it; my body hurts. My soul is dying, I see the light. The light is dark, it's calling my name. "Noel... Noel..." I hear from above. It's taken him away, it's taken everyone I love away. I'm all alone and with no one but myself. Holding his hand, as I sob on it. Wishing he was still alive.
    Two, three hours later, I'm still sobbing on the floor; next to his bed. I've glued myself to the side of his bed fame and I wasn't going to leave. I loved him with all my heart and still do. Even if I was with another man, while I was healing. I still love Noel, and no matter what happens; he will always have a spot in my heart.
I knew that once I got back home,
I were be sobbing for days, weeks even. I knew Fletcher would be there to hold me. He would be my child's father, like friend. Sara wouldn't know who her father was or all the great things he did in life. His memory's would only live on by my words. His songs were going to live on by videos only. Along with his loving and caring actions. I would have to tell Sara about her father and hope she believed it. He was in a band, he was once famous and was well known to the public. Sounds cool to a kid; But for them to believe it, is another thing.
After Sara turned 5, Fletcher and I, sat
her down and explained why Fletcher wasn't her father. We thought she wouldn't understand, so we said it as simply as we could. 'Daddy and mommy got hurt very badly and had to visit heaven; but daddy started to like it, so he stayed.' She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said "did daddy not love me?" I broke down and gave her a huge hug. Fletcher join the hug and kissed our heads before he got up. He went to the bedroom and was sobbing on the bed. Even though Sara wasn't his child, he could feel for her. He went through the same thing but he was older when he found out.
             Soon after Fletcher fell asleep, I went to check on Sara. We had left her in the living room for a while and didn't know what she would've done. She was passed out on the couch from crying. I didn't want to tell her about her fathers death but she had to know.
It's better to learn at a young age than when she would've gotten older. The younger you are, the more pain you can let out. Older people tend to hold in all their pain. Which I thought Sara wouldn't do but everything I've ever thought, turned up wrong.
Marrying Jack, turned out to be a pain. He was never home, always fighting wars. Marrying Noel, cried everyday after his death. Thought he would be my one and only, true love. Marrying Fletcher...
Our daughter started going crazy
after she entered 7th grade. She had gotten into the wrong crowd of people and was never was home. I was worried, because she was only 13 and knew what she wanted to do with her life. She wanted to be a vet; help animals in need. But if she ruined her memory, she couldn't go through with her dream.
    
One afternoon, I arrived at home earlier than I usually do. Which I didn't have a problem with. But right when I walked into the house, there was smoke everywhere. I thought to myself; maybe Sara was tiring to cook. Nope, she was having a party. Not just a usually party you would throw for a birthday. This party included; making out, drugs and liquor. Not counting all the condoms I've seen, laying around the house. This was the summer, before she had her 14th. I dare not to think about her doing all those things and with people she didn't really know. But I tired to put it all behind me and get her help. She not thanks me everyday for the help I got her. I knew she needed it but I didn't know, that if I had waited any longer, she would've killed her self. Her lungs were black and her liver was on the edge of giving out. But we helped her. The doctors got her away from drugs and off of liquor. Her health was better but still at risk. She needs to take meds to keep herself off of drugs. Which is terrible to have to do at 13. But she created this problem so she needs to fix it. Heal herself if she wants to fulfill her dreams as a vet. I've told her many times, "if Sara can't help Sara, then who will Sara be?"
       She looked at me, one day, and told me, "I want to visit daddy. I want to know what he was like and talk to him. Every night I pray but he doesn't answer me. If I walk up to heaven and say hi, maybe he will want to come back. Wouldn't you want him back? Don't you still love him?" I was in love with Noel, I couldn't have our daughter question my love for him.      
           Noel... he was like a pizza. But not like those round pizzas that you order online and pay $10 for. He was a one of a kind. He was the last one that sat next to the cheese and ham, pizzas. The unique one that tasted kinda weird; but a good weird. He was my pizza. A pizza I would never share, unless I was made into a pizza and then later; was eaten by a stranger.
"I loved your father with all my cheesy heart. No one can have the same love I felt for him. He was amazing and talented. He was everything a girl could hope for. But more..." i replied to Sara, as if I was talking to myself.which I did a lot when I was alone and upset. "But you married Fletcher. If you're in love with daddy, why did you get married to someone else?" I looked at her in shock. When I married Fletcher, she was to little to understand the meaning and even at 14. She still was to young to even know. "Because daddy once said that, to be happy you need to meet new people and learn from them." "But you didn't have to marry them." "But I did, you see, Fletcher and I had been friends for years and he was also daddy's friend. Don't you like him? He loves you just like Noel does." "He doesn't love me the same way, that my father does!" She yelled then ran to her room. I wish I would've known; that would be the last time speaking to her.