The Sickness in Love

The Sickness {part 7}

The clouds were crying, the sky was pure black and the grass; was dead as could be. The house has never been this quiet. Sara's room never looked like a trash can threw up, in it. Her hair never felt like dead leafs, about to fall off its limb. Her eyes never turned as white as her sheets. And her heart; had never been ice cold. She was visiting heaven. She was gone. Would she come back and stay; or be with her father? Sara's father loved heaven.
He asked to stay longer, the night he woke from coma. Hours before his death. Before God had moved him in. Would Sara move in with Noel? Would they live happily, without me?
I held her hand, against my lips and pressed a kiss upon her cold hand. Thinking about the last time she visited heaven. She was only a minute old. But this time was different. She had done this to herself. God wouldn't have wanted her to move away, just yet. She's only 14... Why did she have to leave so soon? She had just gotten better and was doing so good. Our last chat was now a regret. I made her yell and scream. I made her get upset and do this. It was all my fault. I wouldn't call the police; I knew she would return. Right? It's only been four hours. I kept telling myself that she would return after six hours. It's been ten.    
        Fletcher had called after he arrived home. But it had already been eight hours and in counting. They arrived at our house and ran into her room, like, wild animals. My baby wouldn't have wanted strangers in her room. "She's just visiting her father!" I yelled, repeatedly, as the cops tired to pull me off of her. They didn't believe me but Fletcher did. He heard us, the night before.
I sat in a jail cell, waiting for someone to tell me that this is all a dream. But I knew it wasn't. I knew that, once I got back home and sat on my couch. Turning on my favorite tv show of all time; but not having Sara there to watch it with. It saddens me, that, I wouldn't have either Noel or Sara, there. A house with nothing but silents and peace. I couldn't stand a house with no noise. Sara used to fight with her friends in her room; throw parties without telling me and Skype people until the next morning. Everything I've gotten mad at, I once enjoyed myself. Noel have ever, would play video games and call friends, until late at night. As long as I was included in his gaming, I didn't care as much. Not to say that, without them, I'm depressed or always crying. I'm happy with Fletcher but not as happy as I once was.
On Valentine's Day, I found myself waking up in a nightmare. Sara had went to visit her father in Heaven. But had not been able to make it back. Which was very upsetting. But I knew how to Handel the pain of losing a loved one. I had lost Noel, 14 years ago and now losing my daughter. You would say that, I should be crying out a waterfall; well I was. Just not a waterfall, I've cried a rain drop but nothing more. I, for should, was dying on the inside but had to be strong for Fletcher.
He hated when I cried; even when I hid my feelings. Which I did a lot around him, but I couldn't tell him that I miss Noel and still was in love with him. He would tell me, its not a big deal, he has been in love before but they left him for his friend. He's still not over her and might never be; but he's told that before. We've talked about my love for Noel and how we feel about Sara's death. He understood everything. Which is why I question myself about not talking to him about my feelings, for Noel. He understood before, why wouldn't he understand now?
I'm just overthinking life because I've lost so many loved ones that it hurts. My heart hurts. It has holes. The only piece of heart I have left is the very bottom piece. But, that spot is Fletcher's. If he left me for another woman, or died; I would be left with nothing but a black hole, where my heart should've been. The saddest part of death; is that, they look so pale and their hair is dull. Their eyes have such a lifeless glare; that, they enter your soul. Which is scary to think about because, their dead and it's like having a dead body inside of you. Crazy to think about, right?