leATHERMØUTH -frerard-

My Lovenote Has Gone Flat

"Beautiful."

"My love."

"Honey..."

"Sweep me off of me feet."

"I love you."

You gave me so much hope, and look now. I'm worthless. They've taken over and when I hold you, it feels like you know everything going through my head and it feels painful. More than painful. It feels like I'm being ripped open from the inside out.

I was never meant to love someone and then you came along. Murder ran through my veins and made my eyes bloodshot and red. But when you touched me, the angels sang. They sang so loud that for maybe a moment or two I thought there was more to this. More to living and dying. More to killing.

But there isn't.

Now, with this gun I've shot so many with, I'll do the deed upon myself. With one bullet I will die. I'll pull the trigger. I'll kill myself. I hate myself. I hate the way I breathe. I hate the way I dress. I hate the way I love you. I hate how much my body aches for you. I hate how much my body is desperate for you. It needs and wants you. It wants to push you against the wall and strip you of everything and eat you up. It wants to be inside you.

But I?

I do.

No...

No.

I don't.

All I've ever been is a liar. And you were my lie. We were meant for each other in the most tragic ways and I hated every second of it. We fit perfect. Our hands. Our lips. Our bodies. We were perfect. But no one can be with me. No one can. I can't even be with me. I hate myself more than I love you. Which seems inhumanly possible because I love you to the farthest galaxy and back, but I hate me. And I hate how you love every inch of me.

You don't know how much I hate myself! And whenever I speak, do you even hear my message behind it all? Do you hear the sob in my tone? Do you hear my cry for help? Do you hear me at all? No. You don't. You never have and once this bullet goes into my head, you never will.

Don't miss me. Just don't. I wanted to lay low and love you but... you'll want a funeral. I don't want to. I never wanted to. But now you're here, I want to live and breathe you in. I want you to be my everything, I'll make you my god.

Wait.

No.

No, I won't.

You can go fuck yourself.

All this false hope you gave me through your hands against me and your lips against my brain... Why would you harm someone like me? You tell me you love me, but do you really? All you've every put out is hope. I'm tired of hoping. I'm done hoping for more. I'm...

Done.

God, if you're even real, I'm done. Take me. Take me to heaven or take me to hell. The latter is where I've belonged. I'm deranged. I'm psychotic. I'm insane. I'm murderous. Take me away from this false hope. Take me away from him and his love. Take me away from this mad  game. What did I ever do to deserve him? All I've done is kill and want to die. Why?

"Just pull the fucking trigger!"

I'm just encouraging myself.

"Do it!"

Come on...

My finger is twitching, why is it twitching?

"You won't do it." Said a voice.

"Who says?!" I scream.

A pair of hands cup my face and a pair of lips press gently against my own. I melt. I knew these hands... I knew these lips... I kiss the lips back, in hopes they'll never go away, just like my faith. But they do. They always do. They have to breathe.

"I say."