Diaries of an Angry Fangirl

☞ falling in public

We've all done it. I've happened to do it a few times, but these are the ones I distinctly remember... because it's pretty damn humiliating. 

The first time I fell, and very vividly remember it, was when I was in fifth grade. I think our class was going to recess, or maybe it was lunch, I can't remember. Me and my friend were walking beside each other with our whole class kind of shuffling along together. Wait, okay, we were going to recess because we passed by the cafeteria...

Important to note that my and my friend had a "book buddy," which if you don't know, is like a first grader that gets assigned to you so you can help them read and stuff. There was a first grade class walking on the opposite hallway, so like we were walking down the one of the right, there was grass in the middle, and then another hallway to the left. Or breezeway, whatever you want to call it, because it wasn't enclosed.

Anyways, I see my friend's book buddy and I'm like, "Look, it's Hallie!" AND I REMEMBER THIS LITTLE HOE'S NAME BECAUSE SHE TRIED TO END MY LIFE.

I'm trying to get my friend's attention because Hallie was waving now, but I was so damn distracted in waving that my blind ass didn't see the two recycling bins in the middle of the fucking breezeway. So, obviously, I trip over them.

BUT, WAIT, IT GETS WORSE.

Instead of simply getting up like a normal person, I'm still trying to get my friend's attention and still waving at this little seven year old setting me up for destruction. I AM CRAWLING. ON THE GROUND. WAVING AT THIS LITTLE HEFFA. 

Yeah... you know what the worst part is? My friend still didn't see that damn kid.

The second time I remember right down to the very last detail is slightly better, only because I was a freshman in high school now and honestly didn't give a single fuck about being embarrassed. You could tell me all the humiliating shit I've ever done in front of a large crowd, and tbh, I'd walk away with a shrug. Shit happens. Am I supposed to stay pressed about it?

ANY-WHO. 

It was my mom, my little sister, my cousin (different from the hoe who ratted me out with my fake boyfriend), and me in the store. And this is a store that we go to a lot, like I know majority of the staff by name and hold conversations with them. Well, I don't, because I'm a socially awkward potato, but my mom does. I'm there by default.

Jesus, I keep getting off topic.

Basically, you know how stores always put new products on a display like at the end of aisles? Like, "Hey bitch, notice me and spend your money on me," type of display? Well, at the end of the aisle we were on, there was a Laughing Cow stand, you know, the cheese. (It's shitty cheese, but my opinion on that is probably why the Laughing Cow gods damned me this day.)

I was turning around to tell my mom something, and--you guessed it! Ya girl went down and took the display with her. 

I swear to God, y'all won't believe this part, but I HAVE WITNESSES.

Legit, out of pure instinct, I jump up and kick the cardboard display and yell, "WHO'S LAUGHING NOW, COW?"

PURE. INSTINCT.

So I start trying to pick the stand up, but it's the cheese in those circle containers, so every time I put those little bitches back on the stand, they roll right the fuck off. I tried to clean this crap up for fifteen minutes, in the middle of the damn store, while my mom and cousin are laughing their asses off instead of helping me. 

I try to pile the cheeses on top of each other near the display, and then I did what any normal person would--I gave up. I walked off and didn't look back.

We took a break from that store afterwards...

But now I'm scared as fuck, right, because I graduate in three months, and if I fall on that stage... I'll sue. I'll blame it on the stage for being too clean or some shit. Maybe I should learn break dancing so if I fall, I can save it in a badass way, you know what I mean? Like BAM, y'all weren't expecting that head spin!

Jesus, I'm so pathetic. I don't know why I told you either of these stories, tbh. They don't matter much to me, but maybe they made you laugh. If you're having a bad day, or you just like to laugh at other people's misery, I hope I helped 😁