Seeing Love (bxb)

16. Feel My Heart

I was seriously debating like 50 different songs for this chapter😭 but this one really fit the context perfectly.

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Dad was right I should have just asked mom. I honestly didn't know what my dad was talking about. Mutual respect? I respect a lot of people. Hell, I respect Abe Lincoln but that doesn't mean I want to fuck him. Maybe it was the military man in him talking when trying to quantify love as respect or maybe dad just made up some of that stuff so I'd be forced to ask mom but even with dads cryptic talk I did learn something. It was the way he talks about mom I could feel the affectionate tone in his voice as he reminisced and it reminded me of something. When Nick said goodbye to me that last time he had the same tone, his voice was harm and yet sad. I'd done that to him, I pushed him away and my heart was suddenly becoming seriously aware of the backlash of my action.

I especially couldn't sleep that night. I rolled around restlessly thinking about Nick. My conscience was unforgiving and my heart was uneasy.

Then in the middle of the night way passed my bed time I had a realization. Was it just that my father doesn't like Nick or is it also that Nicks words scared? Am I afraid of commitment? Am I afraid of loving him and of being in love?

My parents love each other but I knew first hand the pain my mother felt while my dad was away from home. I knew the fear, sadness and restlessness that can come from love. Unconsciously I knew I didn't want to go through that. I don't want the pain of him saying he loves me just for him to leave. But I also don't want to be away from him. Is this love? Or is it just the start?

This is all so fucking exhausting.

...

"Morning hunny bun." Mom says cheerfully as I sluggishly shuffle into the kitchen.

"Hey mom." I say slipping into a seat at the table and resting my head in my palm.

"How's Heddy?" Mom asks.

"She's fine I guess." I grumble.

"That's good. Well your father and I are going on a date this afternoon so you'll have to find someone to bring you home after school." She places a plate in front of me and I savor the vegan chocolate chip pancakes wafting their delicious scent.

"With Heddy?" I ask while chewing, not wasting time taking my first bite. Mom's been making my favorite dishes in an attempt to cheer me up ever since the ball. Fortunately emotional events have never stopped me from eating a good meal.

"Her or one of your other friends but come straight home no exceptions. Got it?"

"Yeah."

"Good."

...
Last class of the day

I walked into my math class and took my seat. I was waiting to hear Nicks footsteps as the rest of the class came it but I didn't hear him. He's not here. I was automatically disappointed at that.

The teacher handed out the class work. He handed me my papers which are a thick grade embossed of Braille paper. Since they got my Braille printer they can easily convert all my homework. So yay more homework I guess.