Fly // 5sos au

14

That night, as I looked at my hair, I understood that it wasn’t enough that my hair hanged. I needed to rebel more. I figured, that if I masked myself well, I wouldn’t be able to see her on my skin anymore. Maybe a few tattoos and a nose ring would help me. I felt like I had to get out of my own body to feel safe. Like if couldn’t recognize myself, then neither would she, and I would be safe. As if she would want to come and find me.

I was excited for this ‘transformation’ until I proceeded to change into my pjs. I took my shirt off, revealing why I needed to change. I was a sticky, pale body covered in my mother and I’s scars. My back was stained with lessons and my wrists were besmirched with self-harm. I was ugly and pathetic. At the time, those words were the only way to explain myself.

 I slipped a worn out gray sweatshirt from my dresser and grabbed my razor from under the small pile of clothes in the shelves. Fuck umbrellas, I thought to myself. It was stupid to think he remembered or if he did, care about that night. He probably thought he was to too cool for me. Why did I have to kiss him?

I wriggled into the bathroom, only to find Luke again. I frowned, seeing as I couldn’t hide my blade. I felt guilty for breaking our somewhat agreement of being there for each other. I didn’t go to him when I had my thoughts of cutting so why should he? I was terrible at social situations, like being someone’s umbrella. Maybe Luke needs a rock, I thought to myself.

But he didn’t look like I had just let him down. I only noticed why when he opened his fist, letting a small, identical blade drop on the floor; like his blood did last night. We both shrugged, mutually feeling like we both failed.

“Why?” I mentally face palmed myself. What a stupid question, “Why?” If anyone asked me that-including him- I would have freaked.

“I…” He sat onto the toilet seat, “My skin.  It’s on fire. I want it burned. But I’m afraid of fire. “He sounded upset with himself. I completely knew what he was talking about. You were afraid of what you wanted. Of course, mine was in the literal sense, but he doubtlessly wanted to kill himself. But he was terrified of dying.

“So am I,” I coughed awkwardly while he shook his head, “But promise me you won’t cut yourself anymore?” It was another naive request, but I needed to get it out. If we were going to protect each other from the rain, we also needed to shield ourselves from our selves. I put my razor down on the bathroom sink counter and he somewhat got up from the toilet to do the same.

He stared at my new hair, which I hadn’t put up yet, got up to touch it. We were so close again, and it terrified me.  I liked him better from afar.

“You never leave your hair down,” He observed. It must have been the night of shrugs because that was all I seemed to do. I was mute.

“You look hella rad.”

You made me feel so cool. I could walk around all day screaming “Hey! Luke Hemmings said I was hella rad!” How many people could say that they were hella rad according to the word of Luke Hemmings? Someday, hoped, that I would become Mrs. Hemmings. Now I hope that you will find your Mrs. Hemmings. I’m sorry. But I love you. No- I’m sorry because I love you. And you will love again. You will forget me. I’m happy because then you’ll be happy. Whatever makes you happy makes me happy. I want you to be happy Luke. Remember your promise, and I promise you I will love you forever. Not ‘till the day I die’ or ‘death do us part’ because I don’t think I could ever stop.

(CAN U BEILVE IT 14 . yea u can bc its not evem that far jeez. ok sorry im new to this. 

Happy snow day bccccccc-m)