love came calling, twice // olly murs

42.

Dear Tom,

It feels like it's been forever since you died, but in fact, it's only been a little over two years. Is it wrong to say that I'm doing okay without you, that I may be doing even better? It feels wrong to say things like that to you when you're not there, but had you been, I don't think it would be any different.

You should know that I don't hate you anymore. I'm no longer angry with you. While I don't understand your reasons for what you did or agree with them, I've accepted them and moved on. I used to wonder what drew you to them, though. What caused you to string along not only myself, but another woman, too. Neither of us deserved that, Tom, and I really hope you knew that. Or at least, that you do now.

Almost immediately as I began to wonder, though, I realized how futile it was. How it was always going to be impossible to try and understand you. So I stopped.

I moved on, Tom, is what it amounts to. It wasn't easy, but finding out about your secrets didn't make it harder.

I feel like maybe, I should thank you, but that would be absurd. I can't help but think though, that if you hadn't cheated on me, if you hadn't kept all those secrets and said all those lies, I never would have truly been happy. I would be with you, and I think we both know that we weren't the right match. If it weren't for your betrayal, your infidelity, I never would have ended up with Olly.

That's right, Olly, the man I hated so much. I can't help but wonder sometimes what would have happened if you had been a different man and hadn't decided to approach me even after Olly confessed that he was planning on doing just that. Would Olly and I have somehow connected that night? Would I have not wasted years with you and missed out on so much time with him? Either way, I know that you're not to blame; I'm the one who didn't give him a chance, regardless of your pursuit or not.

Either way, we're together now and Tom? I'm happy. I'm really, truly happy and I love him more than words can say. I can't even attempt to articulate it. He and I are happy together and he is the most beautiful, wonderful, good person I know. If it weren't for your friendship with him, your ties; I would have never gotten to know him, and so for that, I thank you.

A part of me will always love you, Tom. I don't know what part of you it is loving, because it occurred to me a long time ago that I never really knew you, not like I thought I did. I never made you truly happy and although that used to kill me, I now see it as something that is just fact. Something I couldn't control and not something I should hold against you or myself.

Everyone thinks I should hate you, but I know despite all your faults, despite everything that happened, there was some good in you, Tom Rack. I don't know this from your words or actions, but from the friends you had. They are such good, strong men, Tom, such amazing people. There had to be something about you to pull them in, to make them love you for so long. There had to be something for an amazing person like Olly to have such unwavering loyalty towards you.

I hope, somewhere in our years together, I caught a glimpse of it, too.

Wherever you are, whatever you are doing Tom, I hope you are peaceful and I hope you are happy.

Wishing you well,

Amelia

Dropping the letter on the grassy patch in front of the tombstone, Amelia sighed, shifting on the ground where she sat and resting her hands on her stomach. She hadn't been to Tom's grave in so long, since his funeral, really. She hadn't the strength to come immediately after his death and she hadn't the desire once she found out the truth about their life together.

Now sitting beside the tombstone that depicted his life span and name, she felt very little at all and was contented with that fact. There were fresh flowers resting against the stone, and the ground around it was maintained, so she didn't think it was that he had no visitors at all. She bit her lip, wondering briefly if maybe leaving the letter there was the wrong thing to do.

No, she thought, as she stood up. She had stopped living her life for Tom ages ago, and she wouldn't start doing so again. Leaving the letter here was for her, letting go of whatever bad will she had towards him in the past. Pressing her lips to her fingers, she then touched his tombstone and stood.

"Goodbye, Tom," she said, letting her fingers linger there a moment longer. "Be happy."

And with that, she walked away.

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really really short chapter sorry!