say something | l.s.

- Chapter 19 -

[an:/] First of all i'm sorry for the late update, i had some personal problems this week and it was hard for me to write the chapter so that's the reason why i didn't post as i promised... Second, I LOVE U ALL bc this just reached 6.000 reads and the votes and comments i received on last chapter were WOAH!!! Im so happy +30 votes and your feedbacks are awesome. So i hope you enjoy this chapter (i really wanted to make a bigger and better one) 

So 32 VOTES AND 13 COMMENTS? I'm sure you can give me that <3

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As much I appreciate this two weeks of break from classes, I have to admit that Christmas holidays aren’t the ones I enjoy the most, mostly because I stay alone all that time. Everyone goes home to their families to enjoy the time in their hometown while I stay most of the time in my dorm living in the silence of the campus. Everyone has their rest time and kill the miss of their family and receive that home love and eat that momma food, which tastes so good. Nothing like the warmth of the fireplace while the snow falls outside with the company of all the people you missed. It seems great but I can’t even remember the feeling of it, I can just imagine it.

I can’t remember the day I had a nice conversation with my family, even seen her. I miss them, sure, but it’s not like I feel it’s a thing that I need at the moment. Not that I’m saying I don’t need the support of my family, that I don’t need them by my side. I need my sisters, my mom and even my dad but I got so used to live without them now that this emptiness is so normal and somehow welcome.

Nothing tragic, really, but since I was sixteen I felt trapped in that house with my four sisters and my parents. There wasn’t much affection left for me, I had to do most of the job there because I was the oldest. They always pointed their finger at me, I was never good enough and me and my dad were always fighting and my mom never stood up for me, being on my side, never. I can’t even count with the fingers of my hands how many times my sisters mocked me and said that they hated me. We were never that close, we always had those siblings’ fights, I never enjoyed it and didn’t like to be put down every day so I decided and told them that when I turned eighteen I would disappear and start my life. It saved me the come out conversation that I know I would never be ready to have.

Since my family isn’t exactly poor and I got a good amount of money from the heritage from my grandpa, they paid me my first year of college and told me to take care of myself from that moment on. Last summer I got a part time job and a flat shared with Liam and Zayn so I saved a lot of money and can be sure that we have that small special space for ourselves.

I don’t complain about it and even with all of this I know if I ask for some money or something else I might need, my parents will ponder to help me. But I don’t see myself showing up at these time of the year at their house, I don’t think I would be that welcome either.

So spending Christmas AND my birthday alone on my dorm is always good. Sure Liam asked me yesterday before heading to his hometown to go with him but of course I said no. I don’t even have that confidence with his family and I’m sure he’ll just come back when classes start so he’ll spend The New Year with Zayn and that would be a disaster for me. I tell this with my own experience of more than two months with them in four walls. Thin walls.

I already have all planned, I’ll read all the four books I bought for myself, I’ve a lot of movies to watch saved on my laptop, I can study a little even and on Christmas eve I’ll eat on a nice restaurant and the next morning I’ll go shopping maybe and enjoy the Christmas air.

Ugh, who am I gonna lie, feeling lonely is horrible and I don’t even have that Christmas spirit that I used to have along with my grandpa, now. In three years my life changed so drastically and I can tell that I grew up along it so I think that’s the only positive side of everything.